Day 48.. Wow.
Just past the half way mark. Ive had lots to think about these days. My perspective on life continues to change. I'm seeing lots of gains and still experiencing a few struggles. Here's a little bit of what's been going on lately.
I'm feeling a vast improvement in my general thoughts towards work and my career as a whole. This is a huge win as hating going to work everyday was slowly killing me. I've spent the last couple of years literally fighting the organization's decisions every step of the way. I hated everything. My new leadership, my new teams, my never ending project etc. Work has taken up so much time in my head and really eaten away at my mental health for far too long. The resentments towards everything and everyone have been like disease taking over my mind, body and soul.
I have found some mental freedom from constant stress. I feel a sense letting-go of the drive to move up to the next level, get promoted, get a raise etc etc. At the present moment, I'm not interested in getting promoted and becoming engaged in a whole new level of bureaucracy and politics. I have zero interest in putting myself through that torture. What would be the point? Adding more stress and responsibility is just not that appealing to me. Im grateful Ive come to this realization as its lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel Ive removed a level of pressure that I was putting on myself that could have had further serious negative impacts to my mental health. So, for the moment, I am content with where Im at. Content in this stage, focussed on the now. This is progress!
Being focussed on improving my mental and physical health has allowed me to care less about all the bullshit of the corporate world. I feel I am finally learning to let go of some that daily suffering. I also feel like my life is not all about work these days. Going to the office each day is just something that happens in the middle of doing what I love each morning and evening. Ive found new things that I am passionate about and focussed on. This has given me the reason to be excited about life again.
Excuse the language here - but I truly am starting to give less fucks! LOL. This is in regards to both work and personal matters. Im not trying to solve all the worlds issues every day and Im not taking on more than what I have control over. I cant control everything or anyone else's decisions or actions. Over the past few weeks Ive set some important boundaries for myself and Ive communicated these to my colleagues and other people in my life both through words and action. By sticking to my own guidelines, and walking this new walk, others are respecting my boundaries. Imagine that!
Im enjoying my simple and quiet life these days. Im happy when I wake up at 430am to meditate and work out. I love the quiet alone time each morning. I truly look forward to it! This routine has been a game changer and makes me feel incredible. Ive found a very comfortable space in my mind when I'm meditating and I can seek it out each time I sit. Im feeling very proud about this. Im loving the silence during meditation and even more when I'm off the cushion. I remember when I started down this path that silence was something I struggled greatly with. I couldn't stand to be alone in the quiet and now I need it. I need my silent alone time to to be able to shut out all the noise and distractions of my busy days.
Ive made some progress with my debt but have definitely had a couple of spending slips. I had to purchase a few things like fights and hotels for the trip to London and Paris. I also (shamefully) bought some new clothes and shoes... The more time I think about my spending habits the more I see that I need to treat spending money like an addiction too. Due to the un budgeted spending in these last few weeks, Ive had to adjust some of the credit card payment plan and push the dates out a little. Looks like the debt wont be paid off until the end of summer but Ill be in good shape come fall. I guess considering where I was at the beginning of this challenge there has been some improvement but also some mistakes and learning have been had. Online shopping is the devil and I need to abstain from it all together. Its too easy. Its a quick feel good that later brings feelings of guilt and shame. A true addiction. The credit cards are going away and out of sight until June 16th. I need to cut that shit off.
On a more positive note, Ive had some pretty big revelations lately.
There are as follows:
I am OK! Everything is going to be OK.
My life is good. I am healthy. I am lucky in so many aspects of life.
Just a few short years ago, I consciously remember thinking these thoughts and thinking them often.
I am not sure where I lost my gratitude and positive perspective along the way. Im not sure how or when it all become so negative and heavy. All I know is that Im glad Im doing the work to get out of the negative thought patters. Its crazy how fast those negative thoughts moved in and took over everything. What's even scarier is how hard it is to break free from those thoughts and turn towards a positive path. What I know for sure is that this feels like the right path and Im going to do what ever I can to stay on it.
I remember when I was over the moon to be moving into my beautiful new condo downtown. I lost that excitement some where along the way. I want to get back to being excited about it again instead of focussing on all the things that stress me out about living here and the sacrifices Ive made to have my lovely home.
I used to loved my job and was proud that I worked for a reputable organization that offers great benefits and has been a huge contributing factor to where I am in my life. Considering all the serious battles Ive faced along the way in my life, just the fact that Im where I am is a miracle in itself. There was a time many years ago, that I didn't even want to be alive, let alone see myself in the kind of life Im leading now.
In this past few weeks Ive started feeling glimmers of gratitude coming back! Taking this time to reset my perspective has cleared my mind and has enabled me to see everything more clearly. Ive seen small improvements in my ability to stay patient in scenarios that would have sent me into an angry fit in the past. I believe Im seeing the benefits of daily meditation pay off here.
Also, Im letting go little by little of the need for everything to be perfect. This is a tough one for me as I really have a specific way that I like things to be. I do definitely have some work to do here though as its easy for my mind to obsess over every little detail when I haven't taken the proper time to meditate and find my centered state of being. Im happy that I can at least recognize this and take the necessary actions to adjust and get back on track. If I do end up in a spiral of false thinking, I have some tools now to get out of that headspace.
Ive been slowing working on cleaning out junk from my condo. One of the podcasts I enjoy listening to the most right now is called The Minimalists. The episodes have really inspired me to think about how all my stuff adds to my anxiety and daily suffering. I can honestly say that for my whole life, I LOVED stuff. I loved getting stuff , shopping for stuff, keeping stuff and looking at my stuff! I am consciously working on breaking this cycle of consumerism. Although Ive struggled with resisting temptation to buy more stuff this week I have made some gains in getting rid of junk I don't need. My walk-in closet was on the hit list last weekend and I can proudly say that getting rid of multiple green garbage backs of clothes, shoes, nick-nacks etc., has made the space much less stress inducing and getting dressed in the mornings is actually a pleasurable experience. I plan on working through a new area of the condo each weekend.
There are still some areas of my life feel need some attention. I want to continue to disconnect from the technology further and reconnect with more humans. I do find myself aimlessly scrolling through Instagram and constantly going back to my phone to check for new messages and notifications. I see this more and more each day as another addiction and I WANT IT GONE. Im considering cutting off internet at home for 30 days to see what its like.. Im pretty scared though. This seems drastic but could have some really amazing benefits. I would find lots of time to read more and spend more time outside. Its still a CRAZY big step, so no hasty decisions just yet. In the meantime, more baby steps. I plan on getting an old school alarm clock to use in my bedroom so that I don't use my phone at all before bed or first thing in the morning. I still have the habit of checking emails and Instagram before I even get out of bed. This is not how I want to spend the first moments of each day.
As for connecting with humans, this one is hard right now as I'm avoiding all scenarios that include late nights, bars, unhealthy food etc. Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of other things to do in downtown YYC other than drink and eat and thats what most of my friends like to do. Its what I lived for also!! So sadly, I don't see too many people right now. I have had some great coffee chats and dog park dates with close friends recently and I want to do more of that. As the weather continues to improve, there will be lots of opportunity to work on this. I just need to make it more of a priority because its easy for me to hide out in my safe, clean and quiet little world right now. Eventually Im going to have to ease myself back into the general public and be able to exercise restraint when it comes to eating, drinking, spending etc. Im looking forward to getting back out there but will definitely need to work on finding balance. I've always been an all or nothing type of girl! Balance will be the key to maintaining the successes of the 90 day challenge.
Lastly, Im spending an increasing amount of time learning more about the practice Buddhism. The principles of the sect really speak to me and go hand in hand with my meditation rituals. Each morning I include 20 minutes of Dharma readings before I meditate. The lessons each day help guide a train of thought for my meditation session. Its been a very natural and beautiful progression. Im hoping to make some further connections with the others that attend meditation each week at the monastery. I want to learn as much as possible about the religion and apply more of the principles to my daily lifestyle. This branch of The Happiness Revolution was not expected at all, but Im so happy about where its taking me. I plan to follow this path further and see where it leads. I have a feeling it will lead me to a deeper understanding of the purpose I'm seeking and finding in this life.
<3
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Half Marathon Training Journal
Week One:
April 6 EF 8k
10K actual. Knee pain. Some walking required.
Time not recorded.
April 8 LG 11.8k
Pace way too slow in first half. No problem with lung capacity.
Knee pain/ab cramping early on. Difficult to focus with Kaiser in tow!
Pre run snack: Coffee w/almond milk. 1 Slice GF toast with cashew butter.
Time: 1:15
April 10 EZ 6.5k
7K actual
Pace feeling better but still slow. Knee pain started at 5k but could bear the pain better than Saturday
Lung capacity is good, could have gone longer. No abdominal cramps
Pre run snack: coffee with almond milk and 1/2 TBSP cashew butter
Lots of stops for Kaiser to pee :)
Perfect cool temp.
Time: 44:02 - minus Kaiser breaks approx 39 mins.
Week Two:
April 14 LG 13k
12k actual
Better pace through out - had enough energy at the end to push for the last km
knee pain came in around 5km mark but was bearable. Went away eventually. No cramps!
I missed kaiser but not having him there made a huge difference in focus.
Time 1:02
April 16 EF 8k
10k actual
Felt great. minor knee pain.
Brought Kaiser with me and his back leg was hurting so we had to stop :( Poor Guy.
Switched shoes out for New Balance. Nice weight, good fit. Could possibly use more cushion for knee support for longer distance.
Time: 54:44
April 18 EZ 6.5k
Actual 10k
Really pushed for a faster time today
No Kaiser. Knee pain around the 3km mark but but bearable and sporadic
Extreme knee pain for the rest of the day :(
Need to take 2-3 days off to recover - Happy with my time tho!!
Time 51:00
Week Three:
April 22 EF 8k
Actual 11k
Took it slow today as I did a 2 hour work out a couple hours before.
Brought Kaiser with me and was trying out new shoes - good size and weight but need more cushion. Will add an insole for tomorrow's long run.
Virtually zero knee pain during and after :) Maybe the joint pain supplements are kicking in.
Time 1 hour
April 23 LG 14.5k
Actual 16k
Great run! Minimal knee pain during run and only a little bit after.
Cold rainy weather was perfect. good page at just over 5 min per km.
Need to shave off some time to hit 1:44 mark for race day.
Time 1:24
April 28 EZ 6.5k
9k actual
Super easy pace with Kaiser at the dog park, poor guy is getting old and cant keep up after 7k.
no pain. no time recorded.
Week Four:
April 29 LG 16k
17k actual
Longest run yet. My start felt really slow. Pace around 11k was perfect coming in at just under 5min per km. That the time I need to keep to place in the top 20 on race day. Very challenging to keep that up for the whole 21.1k
I think a realistic goal would be to hit 5min per km. 107.5 mins = 1 hour 47.5 mins. I wont place with this time but I think its whats reasonable for my first time.
Knee pain came on strong around 5k then backed off and was bearable.
New Pains discovered - hips were ready to give out at 16k.
Recovery was easy and pretty much pain less :)
Time 1:29 - average 5:15 per KM.
May 3 EF 10k
Actual 14k
Feeling super strong -knee taping seems to be helping a little.
the pain is pretty much unavoidable though around the 6k mark. Once I get back 8 or 9k it seems to go away a little.
Super easy recovery
very happy with the average pace - still might be hard to maintain for the full 21.5km.
Time: 1:10 average 5:07 min per km
May 5 EZ 6.5k
Actual 10k
Great pace - keeping at under 5:10 per km.
knee hurt alot today... but recovery was fast.
Time: 50:59 @ 5:08 per km
Week Five:
May 9 10.5 k
Time: 54:11
May 11 9 k
Time: 44:51
May 14 22 k
Time: 1:51
Longest run of the training plan! Felt really strong throughout.
Figured out a good place plan and when to take the gels and blocks.
Extreme knee pain and very exhausted for the remainder of the day.
Ill want to go a little bit faster in the middle around the 10km mark to shave off a few minutes on race day.
Im hoping that the adrenalin on race day will help shave off a few additional minutes so I can make it in the top 20!!
Week Six: Taper training starts
May 19 5 km - no time tracked. Easy run to keep joints loose.
May 22
May 24
May 28 RACE DAY 21.1K
April 6 EF 8k
10K actual. Knee pain. Some walking required.
Time not recorded.
April 8 LG 11.8k
Pace way too slow in first half. No problem with lung capacity.
Knee pain/ab cramping early on. Difficult to focus with Kaiser in tow!
Pre run snack: Coffee w/almond milk. 1 Slice GF toast with cashew butter.
Time: 1:15
April 10 EZ 6.5k
7K actual
Pace feeling better but still slow. Knee pain started at 5k but could bear the pain better than Saturday
Lung capacity is good, could have gone longer. No abdominal cramps
Pre run snack: coffee with almond milk and 1/2 TBSP cashew butter
Lots of stops for Kaiser to pee :)
Perfect cool temp.
Time: 44:02 - minus Kaiser breaks approx 39 mins.
Week Two:
April 14 LG 13k
12k actual
Better pace through out - had enough energy at the end to push for the last km
knee pain came in around 5km mark but was bearable. Went away eventually. No cramps!
I missed kaiser but not having him there made a huge difference in focus.
Time 1:02
April 16 EF 8k
10k actual
Felt great. minor knee pain.
Brought Kaiser with me and his back leg was hurting so we had to stop :( Poor Guy.
Switched shoes out for New Balance. Nice weight, good fit. Could possibly use more cushion for knee support for longer distance.
Time: 54:44
April 18 EZ 6.5k
Actual 10k
Really pushed for a faster time today
No Kaiser. Knee pain around the 3km mark but but bearable and sporadic
Extreme knee pain for the rest of the day :(
Need to take 2-3 days off to recover - Happy with my time tho!!
Time 51:00
Week Three:
April 22 EF 8k
Actual 11k
Took it slow today as I did a 2 hour work out a couple hours before.
Brought Kaiser with me and was trying out new shoes - good size and weight but need more cushion. Will add an insole for tomorrow's long run.
Virtually zero knee pain during and after :) Maybe the joint pain supplements are kicking in.
Time 1 hour
April 23 LG 14.5k
Actual 16k
Great run! Minimal knee pain during run and only a little bit after.
Cold rainy weather was perfect. good page at just over 5 min per km.
Need to shave off some time to hit 1:44 mark for race day.
Time 1:24
April 28 EZ 6.5k
9k actual
Super easy pace with Kaiser at the dog park, poor guy is getting old and cant keep up after 7k.
no pain. no time recorded.
Week Four:
April 29 LG 16k
17k actual
Longest run yet. My start felt really slow. Pace around 11k was perfect coming in at just under 5min per km. That the time I need to keep to place in the top 20 on race day. Very challenging to keep that up for the whole 21.1k
I think a realistic goal would be to hit 5min per km. 107.5 mins = 1 hour 47.5 mins. I wont place with this time but I think its whats reasonable for my first time.
Knee pain came on strong around 5k then backed off and was bearable.
New Pains discovered - hips were ready to give out at 16k.
Recovery was easy and pretty much pain less :)
Time 1:29 - average 5:15 per KM.
May 3 EF 10k
Actual 14k
Feeling super strong -knee taping seems to be helping a little.
the pain is pretty much unavoidable though around the 6k mark. Once I get back 8 or 9k it seems to go away a little.
Super easy recovery
very happy with the average pace - still might be hard to maintain for the full 21.5km.
Time: 1:10 average 5:07 min per km
May 5 EZ 6.5k
Actual 10k
Great pace - keeping at under 5:10 per km.
knee hurt alot today... but recovery was fast.
Time: 50:59 @ 5:08 per km
Week Five:
May 9 10.5 k
Time: 54:11
May 11 9 k
Time: 44:51
May 14 22 k
Time: 1:51
Longest run of the training plan! Felt really strong throughout.
Figured out a good place plan and when to take the gels and blocks.
Extreme knee pain and very exhausted for the remainder of the day.
Ill want to go a little bit faster in the middle around the 10km mark to shave off a few minutes on race day.
Im hoping that the adrenalin on race day will help shave off a few additional minutes so I can make it in the top 20!!
Week Six: Taper training starts
May 19 5 km - no time tracked. Easy run to keep joints loose.
May 22
May 24
May 28 RACE DAY 21.1K
Friday, April 7, 2017
Little did I know!
37 days in. Just over a third of the challenge is behind me now and considering all that has transpired, I am feeling strong. I am feeling clear and centred.
With that being said, little did I know all the things I would face when I started down this path. In retrospect, I guess thats the real reason why I felt the need to face this challenge head on. I was ready and needed to make some changes to my perspective on life.
I can easily say that my perspective has shifted in a big way already and I still have quite a ways to go. Ive seen and learned a lot about myself but Ive also learned a bit about the people in my life over the past 37 days. This knowledge has lead to some really painful conversations and decisions. I learned more about setting boundaries and expectations of myself and my people. Ive learned where its worth it to take a risk and what actions and behaviors don't pay off. Its been bitter sweet to say the least. Change is hard and there can be a cost associated to it. I plan to continuing digging deeper into these areas and learning more about what I need from life and what I need from people in my life.
Since my last post Ive been diligent with my workouts and stayed 98 % true to the diet restrictions. Ive been maintaining my goal weight without obsessing over meal plans and food journals. Its still a challenge to find food that is 100% clean at all times. The temptation to cheat and eat the cheap delicious garbage that is waved in our greedy faces every day is overwhelming on the best of days. On the days where I have given into any cravings, even the slightest cheat, I feel the ramifications almost instantly. Headaches, gas & bloating, anxiety and anger creep back in like an old familiar enemy. I plan to introduce items slowly back into my diet when this 9o days has passed but I believe I wont stray too far from the path I have been following. The discomfort is just not worth it.
Ive got 8 weeks to go now before the marathon and I did my first outdoor training session this week. I (of course) overdid it on day one and hurt my knee but Im feeling healed and ready to get back at it tomorrow morning. The plan is to do 3 runs a week, one short , one medium and one long. I'll need to follow this plan strictly for the next 8 weeks building up to the race on May 28. The goal is to continue with additional strength and cardio training thought the week in between the run days. Ive got a running journal started and cant wait to start filling in the stats and times of the weekly training. I have a general idea of what my time should like like for the full 21.1km race but until I have a few more sessions under my belt, I wont commit to a finish time just yet. I still want to place in the top 20 in my age group. Hopefully thats not too aggressive a goal.. I guess we will see soon enough.
My meditation practice has been plugging along. Some days are definitely better than others and I have only missed a few days of practice. I have a spot set up at home dedicated to meditating and its become nice little safe haven to go to every morning before work or the gym. My morning routine feels good. I am still taking lots of time to ease myself into the day with low light and lots of quiet. I am being gentle with myself before I throw my mind and body into the madness of my days. I feel more calm and centered most of the time. I still have my moments though, don't get me wrong. For example, driving and general interactions with other humans in busy public spaces can still get to me. I have found that Ive been quick to get super angry lately. One minute I'm totally fine and then the next want to scream and kick and throw a fit cause I cant find a parking spot downtown. Im linking these emotions back to all the heavy personal stuff Ive had on my mind for the past few weeks and the high stress of the final push to get my 6 year long project signed off on. To work on that, I will continue to find calmness in my mind whenever I can.
I went to the monastery this week for the Wednesday group meditation and it felt so good to be back. As I performed the walking meditation I felt connected to the earth with each step and consciously focused on the true moment I was in. These moments are pure bliss. I experienced some amazingly powerful moments of clarity and calm during sitting portion. I managed to sit quite comfortably for the full hour and found a beautiful warm space to rest my mind for a good period of time. Ive been practicing new mantras during the sessions this week and they have brought forward some insights that have been hard to hear and hard to ignore. I know my subconscious has been trying to tell me some important messages for a while that I just wasn't ready to hear. I am hearing some of those messages loud and clear and in turn, have had to make some hard decisions.
As I am so focussed on my health this year, both physically and mentally, I've made the call to bow out of Burning Man. The stars were just not aligning for me and it just doesn't feel right. All my original plans and things I was excited to do for this Burn fell apart earlier this year and I was really forcing a plan to make it work. After lots of thoughts and weighing the pros and cons, I came to the conclusion that its just not what is best for me right now.
Focussing on paying off debt has been a real eye opener. Not allowing myself to use credit cards has been one of the hardest parts of this challenge. Now that I am finally starting to make a dent in the debt I can see that I was living in financial LALA Land. I was being so irresponsible! I do have nice things to show for the money spent but that way of living is over. I still have a ways to go to get back on track but its manageable if I continue to follow my strict budgets. Keeping track of every bill and penny spent is a lot of work but its been worth it. Its something that I hope to be diligent with for the rest of my life.
On top of that, the European summer adventure has taken a huge left turn. The trip has been reduced to 10 days, includes only London and Paris and will be shared with my Mom and Dad. Sadly, the original plan was just not feasible and had to be adjusted. I am devastated about the change. I am however, grateful that I will get to build special memories with my parents. I have done a lot of reflection as of late on the importance of spending quality time with family and other highly important people in my life.
Recently, a member of our extended family was given 6 months to live as he contracted a rare form of aggressive bran cancer. The news affected me greatly. It put many things in perspective and has likely been a big motivator in all the changes I am going through. In all the Buddhist philosophy Ive been learning, the biggest message I keep hearing over and over is that everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever and we are in a constant ebb and flow of changes. Time rolls on. Life moves on. The more you try to hold onto anything that is outside of the present moment, the more suffering you will encounter. We must find joy in the present and forget about everything else. This is what happiness is. This is enlightenment.
Ive come to the realization that happiness is not a destination or a thing to achieve. Happiness is found in the daily activities of bettering yourself and those around you. Its found in contributing to something bigger than yourself and doing the best you can with what you've got. True happiness is living in the moment and realizing that each moment is a miracle. So with that, I'm trying to take it all in, make this best of whats in front of me, stop fighting the past controlling the future.
Thus the Happiness Revolution. Not the Happiness Destination !!
<3
With that being said, little did I know all the things I would face when I started down this path. In retrospect, I guess thats the real reason why I felt the need to face this challenge head on. I was ready and needed to make some changes to my perspective on life.
I can easily say that my perspective has shifted in a big way already and I still have quite a ways to go. Ive seen and learned a lot about myself but Ive also learned a bit about the people in my life over the past 37 days. This knowledge has lead to some really painful conversations and decisions. I learned more about setting boundaries and expectations of myself and my people. Ive learned where its worth it to take a risk and what actions and behaviors don't pay off. Its been bitter sweet to say the least. Change is hard and there can be a cost associated to it. I plan to continuing digging deeper into these areas and learning more about what I need from life and what I need from people in my life.
Since my last post Ive been diligent with my workouts and stayed 98 % true to the diet restrictions. Ive been maintaining my goal weight without obsessing over meal plans and food journals. Its still a challenge to find food that is 100% clean at all times. The temptation to cheat and eat the cheap delicious garbage that is waved in our greedy faces every day is overwhelming on the best of days. On the days where I have given into any cravings, even the slightest cheat, I feel the ramifications almost instantly. Headaches, gas & bloating, anxiety and anger creep back in like an old familiar enemy. I plan to introduce items slowly back into my diet when this 9o days has passed but I believe I wont stray too far from the path I have been following. The discomfort is just not worth it.
Ive got 8 weeks to go now before the marathon and I did my first outdoor training session this week. I (of course) overdid it on day one and hurt my knee but Im feeling healed and ready to get back at it tomorrow morning. The plan is to do 3 runs a week, one short , one medium and one long. I'll need to follow this plan strictly for the next 8 weeks building up to the race on May 28. The goal is to continue with additional strength and cardio training thought the week in between the run days. Ive got a running journal started and cant wait to start filling in the stats and times of the weekly training. I have a general idea of what my time should like like for the full 21.1km race but until I have a few more sessions under my belt, I wont commit to a finish time just yet. I still want to place in the top 20 in my age group. Hopefully thats not too aggressive a goal.. I guess we will see soon enough.
My meditation practice has been plugging along. Some days are definitely better than others and I have only missed a few days of practice. I have a spot set up at home dedicated to meditating and its become nice little safe haven to go to every morning before work or the gym. My morning routine feels good. I am still taking lots of time to ease myself into the day with low light and lots of quiet. I am being gentle with myself before I throw my mind and body into the madness of my days. I feel more calm and centered most of the time. I still have my moments though, don't get me wrong. For example, driving and general interactions with other humans in busy public spaces can still get to me. I have found that Ive been quick to get super angry lately. One minute I'm totally fine and then the next want to scream and kick and throw a fit cause I cant find a parking spot downtown. Im linking these emotions back to all the heavy personal stuff Ive had on my mind for the past few weeks and the high stress of the final push to get my 6 year long project signed off on. To work on that, I will continue to find calmness in my mind whenever I can.
I went to the monastery this week for the Wednesday group meditation and it felt so good to be back. As I performed the walking meditation I felt connected to the earth with each step and consciously focused on the true moment I was in. These moments are pure bliss. I experienced some amazingly powerful moments of clarity and calm during sitting portion. I managed to sit quite comfortably for the full hour and found a beautiful warm space to rest my mind for a good period of time. Ive been practicing new mantras during the sessions this week and they have brought forward some insights that have been hard to hear and hard to ignore. I know my subconscious has been trying to tell me some important messages for a while that I just wasn't ready to hear. I am hearing some of those messages loud and clear and in turn, have had to make some hard decisions.
As I am so focussed on my health this year, both physically and mentally, I've made the call to bow out of Burning Man. The stars were just not aligning for me and it just doesn't feel right. All my original plans and things I was excited to do for this Burn fell apart earlier this year and I was really forcing a plan to make it work. After lots of thoughts and weighing the pros and cons, I came to the conclusion that its just not what is best for me right now.
Focussing on paying off debt has been a real eye opener. Not allowing myself to use credit cards has been one of the hardest parts of this challenge. Now that I am finally starting to make a dent in the debt I can see that I was living in financial LALA Land. I was being so irresponsible! I do have nice things to show for the money spent but that way of living is over. I still have a ways to go to get back on track but its manageable if I continue to follow my strict budgets. Keeping track of every bill and penny spent is a lot of work but its been worth it. Its something that I hope to be diligent with for the rest of my life.
On top of that, the European summer adventure has taken a huge left turn. The trip has been reduced to 10 days, includes only London and Paris and will be shared with my Mom and Dad. Sadly, the original plan was just not feasible and had to be adjusted. I am devastated about the change. I am however, grateful that I will get to build special memories with my parents. I have done a lot of reflection as of late on the importance of spending quality time with family and other highly important people in my life.
Recently, a member of our extended family was given 6 months to live as he contracted a rare form of aggressive bran cancer. The news affected me greatly. It put many things in perspective and has likely been a big motivator in all the changes I am going through. In all the Buddhist philosophy Ive been learning, the biggest message I keep hearing over and over is that everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever and we are in a constant ebb and flow of changes. Time rolls on. Life moves on. The more you try to hold onto anything that is outside of the present moment, the more suffering you will encounter. We must find joy in the present and forget about everything else. This is what happiness is. This is enlightenment.
Ive come to the realization that happiness is not a destination or a thing to achieve. Happiness is found in the daily activities of bettering yourself and those around you. Its found in contributing to something bigger than yourself and doing the best you can with what you've got. True happiness is living in the moment and realizing that each moment is a miracle. So with that, I'm trying to take it all in, make this best of whats in front of me, stop fighting the past controlling the future.
Thus the Happiness Revolution. Not the Happiness Destination !!
<3
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