Little did I know!

37 days in. Just over a third of the challenge is behind me now and considering all that has transpired, I am feeling strong. I am feeling clear and centred.

With that being said, little did I know all the things I would face when I started down this path.  In retrospect, I guess thats the real reason why I felt the need to face this challenge head on. I was ready and needed to make some changes to my perspective on life.

I can easily say that my perspective has shifted in a big way already and I still have quite a ways to go. Ive seen and learned a lot about myself but Ive also learned a bit about the people in my life over the past 37 days. This knowledge has lead to some really painful conversations and decisions. I learned more about setting boundaries and expectations of myself and my people. Ive learned where its worth it to take a risk and what actions and behaviors don't pay off. Its been bitter sweet to say the least. Change is hard and there can be a cost associated to it. I plan to continuing digging deeper into these areas and learning more about what I need from life and what I need from people in my life.

Since my last post Ive been diligent with my workouts and stayed 98 % true to the diet restrictions. Ive been maintaining my goal weight without obsessing over meal plans and food journals. Its still a challenge to find food that is 100% clean at all times.  The temptation to cheat and eat the cheap delicious garbage that is waved in our greedy faces every day is overwhelming on the best of days. On the days where I have given into any cravings, even the slightest cheat, I feel the ramifications almost instantly. Headaches, gas & bloating, anxiety and anger creep back in like an old familiar enemy. I plan to introduce items slowly back into my diet when this 9o days has passed but I believe I wont stray too far from the path I have been following. The discomfort is just not worth it.

Ive got 8 weeks to go now before the marathon and I did my first outdoor training session this week. I (of course) overdid it on day one and hurt my knee but Im feeling healed and ready to get back at it tomorrow morning. The plan is to do 3 runs a week, one short , one medium and one long. I'll need to follow this plan strictly for the next 8 weeks building up to the race on May 28. The goal is to continue with additional strength and cardio training thought the week in between the run days. Ive got a running journal started and cant wait to start filling in the stats and times of the weekly training. I have a general idea of what my time should like like for the full 21.1km race but until I have a few more sessions under my belt, I wont commit to a finish time just yet. I still want to place in the top 20 in my age group. Hopefully thats not too aggressive a goal.. I guess we will see soon enough.

My meditation practice has been plugging along. Some days are definitely better than others and I have only missed a few days of practice. I have a spot set up at home dedicated to meditating and its become nice little safe haven to go to every morning before work or the gym.  My morning routine feels good. I am still taking lots of time to ease myself into the day with low light and lots of quiet. I am being gentle with myself before I throw my mind and body into the madness of my days.  I feel more calm and centered most of the time. I still have my moments though, don't get me wrong. For example, driving and general interactions with other humans in busy public spaces can still get to me. I have found that Ive been quick to get super angry lately. One minute I'm totally fine and then the next want to scream and kick and throw a fit cause I cant find a parking spot downtown. Im linking these emotions back to all the heavy personal stuff Ive had on my mind for the past few weeks and the high stress of the final push to get my 6 year long project signed off on. To work on that, I will continue to find calmness in my mind whenever I can.

I went to the monastery this week for the Wednesday group meditation and it felt so good to be back. As I performed the walking meditation I felt connected to the earth with each step and consciously focused on the true moment I was in.  These moments are pure bliss. I experienced some amazingly powerful moments of clarity and calm during sitting portion. I managed to sit quite comfortably for the full hour and found a beautiful warm space to rest my mind for a good period of time. Ive been practicing new mantras during the sessions this week and they have brought forward some insights that have been hard to hear and hard to ignore. I know my subconscious has been trying to tell me some important messages for a while that I just wasn't ready to hear. I am hearing some of those messages loud and clear and in turn, have had to make some hard decisions.

As I am so focussed on my health this year, both physically and mentally, I've made the call to bow out of Burning Man. The stars were just not aligning for me and it just doesn't feel right. All my original plans and things I was excited to do for this Burn fell apart earlier this year and I was really forcing a plan to make it work. After lots of thoughts and weighing the pros and cons, I came to the conclusion that its just not what is best for me right now.

Focussing on paying off debt has been a real eye opener. Not allowing myself to use credit cards has been one of the hardest parts of this challenge. Now that I am finally starting to make a dent in the debt I can see that I was living in financial LALA Land. I was being so irresponsible!  I do have nice things to show for the money spent but that way of living is over. I still have a ways to go to get back on track but its manageable if I continue to follow my strict budgets. Keeping track of every bill and penny spent is a lot of work but its been worth it. Its something that I hope to be diligent with for the rest of my life.

On top of that, the European summer adventure has taken a huge left turn. The trip has been reduced to 10 days, includes only London and Paris and will be shared with my Mom and Dad. Sadly, the original plan was just not feasible and had to be adjusted. I am devastated about the change. I am however, grateful that I will get to build special memories with my parents. I have done a lot of reflection as of late on the importance of spending quality time with family and other highly important people in my life.

Recently, a member of our extended family was given 6 months to live as he contracted a rare form of aggressive bran cancer. The news affected me greatly. It put many things in perspective and has likely been a big motivator in all the changes I am going through. In all the Buddhist philosophy Ive been learning, the biggest message I keep hearing over and over is that everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever and we are in a constant ebb and flow of changes. Time rolls on. Life moves on. The more you try to hold onto anything that is outside of the present moment, the more suffering you will encounter. We must find joy in the present and forget about everything else. This is what happiness is. This is enlightenment.

Ive come to the realization that happiness is not a destination or a thing to achieve.  Happiness is found in the daily activities of bettering yourself and those around you. Its found in contributing to something bigger than yourself and doing the best you can with what you've got. True happiness is living in the moment and realizing that each moment is a miracle. So with that, I'm trying to take it all in, make this best of whats in front of me, stop fighting the past controlling the future.

Thus the Happiness Revolution. Not the Happiness Destination !!

<3