Still learning... the hard way.

The saga of this 90-day challenge continues to roll on. I guess it’s called a challenge for good reason.  

So, what did I learn (the hard way) this week?? Read on.

I started off this weekend feeling so great. Finished the week off strong at work, I accomplished a lot and felt great about it. Friday night I went to the gym and killed my run. All my strength and cardio training as really paid off. I ran 12k in under an hour at a 1.5% incline. That’s exactly the training I need to keep up for the half marathon in May. That night was super chill at home - eating well and off to bed early.

Saturday got off to a great start, had a super early meditation and a good workout. It was a beautiful day! Love that sun has decided to come back.

Eddy and I went to the Buddhist Monastery for the Charity veggie buffet for brunch and we had a nice time. The food smelled and looked so good but unfortunately 90% of it did not fit into the 90-day challenge guidelines. Here is where things start to unravel.

I knew as I watched the volunteers pile more and more food onto my plate that I wasn’t going to feel well if I ate the items. Never the less, I took all the food and nearly ate everything. All the rich sauces, strange tofu and mushroom dishes were swirling around in my super clean system and the side effects took a strong hold on my mind and tummy almost instantly. Before we even left the building, I felt dizzy, uncomfortable and on-edge. I felt guilty for eating so much and my anxiety set in hard. We had a few errands to run and supplies to organize for the party we planned on attending later that evening. Just had to get groceries, take Kaiser for a good long walk, then head home to get ready.

Eddy and I had made plans to go this party a few weeks back, when I was just a few days into the challenge. I had been having second thoughts about going ever since I got my hands on the secret codes. But it was a going to be a super epic fun time that couldn’t/shouldn’t be missed! Even Vice magazine was going to be there! Maybe I could enjoy the party and stick to the cleanse ?? I know myself better than that by now. Or at least I should.

I spent a good portion if the day planning what to wear and what to bring to the event, all the while not feeling great from the weird food I had for lunch. I was obsessing over every detail, I know I was compensating for the nervousness I felt about attending the event. I know what happens at these parties, lots of booze and other ‘extracurriculars’. I was going to be a late night and throw me off the routine I’ve been working so hard at.  I tried to calm myself down by reciting my mantras, went for a nice walk, spent some time alone reading in the quiet. Nothing really seemed to be helping. I was worried about the party.  I knew that I would end of having some drinks and staying out late. I knew I would regret it. I knew it all and yet I forged on.

After a small meltdown brought on by banging my elbow on the kitchen island while packing my bags, Eddy had to bring me back from going over the edge. All the planning and organizing with myself and my crazy friends pushed me past the breaking point. God, just hearing all this makes me feel so silly. All this drama for a party… was it worth it? I’m still not sure.

Of course, the party was super fun… all the planning and organizing I had done, paid off. Eddy and I were more than prepared to have a great time, even considering the fact that we spent 90% of the night outside in -10 degrees. It was great to be out of the house and see so many faces that I haven’t seen for a while. The venue was great and the music was perfect. I had so much fun, I laughed until it hurt.  It felt amazing blow off some steam and dance until sunrise. Obviously, I fell off the wagon.

So, the downside of having so much fun.. we came home well after sunrise, which meant there was no meditation practice on Sunday morning, there was no time at the gym and definitely no Temple Service. Sunday was spent lounging around, eating junk food and recovering. Before we knew it, it was Monday morning and time back to get back into the groove. And so, of course, the guilt slowly crept in and took over.

The thing is that I felt SO off my game. It was not a great way to start the week. I didn’t meditate on Monday morning, nor did I make it to the gym. I ate more bad food that I shouldn’t have and felt really crappy. To top it off, on my walk to the bank to deposit my monthly grocery allowance, I lost the envelope full of cash. I don’t know how it happened. One minute it was there in my pocket, the next minute - vanished. Devastated. I ran around the neighbourhood a few times looking for it but to no avail… Now not only do I feel bad for straying from my path, I don’t have money for groceries for 2 weeks. WTF. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson??  I called Eddy in tears, poor guy has had to deal with so much of my shit the past month or so. (Thanks to his generosity I will be able to eat this week. ❤ )

So, here I am on Tuesday afternoon trying to come back around. It’s incredible how fast things can change from day to day by just making a few small decisions. Each little decision can have such a huge impact and for more than just a one day. The ripple effects really can linger. I’m feeling a little better than yesterday but I slept in too late to make it to the gym before work so I’m still feeling lethargic. I did manage to practice my mediation this morning and it felt like coming home. Small win. I’ve been following the meal plans today and my tummy is already thanking me. Another small win. I am committed to working out tonight to clear out the remaining cobwebs from this weekend’s activities. I need to get a collection of small wins under my belt again. I’m still feeling sick that I lost my grocery money but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I just have to run an even tighter ship until next pay day.

The good news here, is that I don’t feel the need to go out partying again for a good long time. Saturday night was it until June 1. Maybe by then I’ll be able to look at this little bump in the road and have a laugh about it. Right now, I’m just trying not be beat myself up over it. I am also now committed more than ever to stick the challenge through to the end with no more distractions or temptations.

Eventually, I may even figure out this thing they call balance.