The night before

Its the night before race day and Im feeling super stoked!!
8 weeks of training all come to a point tomorrow morning at 7am. Im really looking forward to accomplishing this goal! Ive been saying I was gonna do a half marathon for years but never followed through. I was always so good at finding excuses or distractions. Not this time!! Nothing was going to stop me this time around.

Its been a big week for accomplishments and there are still more to come as we approach June 1.

Im very proud and happy to say that the monster project ive been working on for six years, finally went live this week. its such a huge accomplishment and releif to have it out the door. I still have a mountain of work to dig through because of all the delays on the rest of my usual work but now I can dedicate the time needed to be a great boss again for my design team.

Im really looking forward to finding the time to build some person goals I can acheive for my career now that Im over this huge milestone. Im looking forward to connecting with my team on a deeper level to understand more of what they need from me as thier leader. I'll be looking for ways to make our group stronger and more efficient in all the work we do.

Another big win for this week has been paying the last payment off one whole credit card. This has been one of hardes parts of the 90 day challenge to  accomplish. I have a bit of work to do on the other card but its defintly manageable and now possible with my new mindful spending practices. By the end of the summer i will be in good shape and will have even got some travel in :) Less debt equals less anxiety. WIN WIN WIN!!

Im feeling quite accomplished also this week in my attempts to connect with humans. Ive had a couple of really great coffee dates and some really nice chats with neighbours and friends while passing on the streets. I feel the anxiety come and go but Its a huge step to recognize it, face it head on and not run away or avoid the social opportunities. I feel as though now that my stress levels should be lowered greatly, my lingering anxiety around people will continue to subside. This will always be a work in  progress for me .

But lets get back in to more exciting topics... like tomorrow.. RACE DAY!!

Ive trained diligently for weeks, stuck to a stict diet and treated my body well after putting it through some vigorous torture.
My knee has had some tough days and im hoping that with all the stretching, taping and suppliments Ive been taking, it stays strong through the race. I know im going to have to push myself to make the time I want (1 hour 42 mins). The time goal is aggressive for my first run, I know. But I feel like its acheivealbe with the shape im in mentally and physically.  There are going to be factors that could negatively affect my time that Im unaware of as Ive never done this before so hope I wont be too hard om myslef if I come in slower. This is going to be a great experience either way.

Ive been eatng like a champ for the past few days, resting lots but also keeping the blood flowing with gentle walks and runs and lots of stretching.
Ive got all my gear laid out and my race day bag packed with back up clothes and post race drinks and snacks. Tomorrow Ill be waking up early (4am ish) so I can stretch and meditate. This is key to my success tomorrow. Ive had some beautiful visualizations this week while meditating about the race and how its going to feel at certain milestones along the course. Im really looking forward to seeing my freinds and family there, cheering me on at the start and finish lines. I am so grateful for their support! Im a very lucky girl !

There is literally nothing left I can do to prepare other than go to bed early and wake up focussed on the challange ahead!

Ciao for now! Next post I'll have the race results and be just a few days away from completing this crazy 90 day challenge. Im already feeling quite proud of what Ive done here. So many life changing habits have been formed that Im excited to build on. I cant wait to continue onwards and add to the achievment list post June 1.

<3

Home stretch

Funny, I keep thinking that in 10 days I'm done.
But done what? I don't think I want to be done.. I think the better way to approach end of the challenge is to ask myself this:  What's next??

The last few weeks have been really hard. Work has pushed me to the limit and Ive been really struggling emotionally with old negative thought patterns sneaking back into my head.

Ive been going full out at work for almost 4 weeks straight. 12 hour days, weekend work, high stress, huge frustrations and tensions between everyone are at an all time high. The project was meant to wrap up last week but due to additional technical issues it was delayed. Again. I know my team has done everything their power to meet targets and deadlines but the amount of work we had to plough through is crazy. We finally got the majority of the work through to our staging environment on Thursday and Ive been able to take a nice long weekend before we have one more last hard push to the end and 'Go-Live" next Wednesday... hopefully my next post will be detailing the relief I feel once the project is done.

I don't think its a coincidence that being in this high stress mode has brought back a lot of the negative thoughts and feelings I had at the start of this challenge. Although I feel I have made some serious gains in how to better deal with this stress, Ive had some pretty dark days. My mind is a dangerous place when left alone too long and its all to easy for me to slip back into the 'fuck it' or 'whats the point?' type of mentality.

Ive been focussing a lot on intentionally seeking out how to be a better person and be more selfless. Ive been working on my patience with others and being more generous and kind. Ive been meditating for the benefit of others. The thing is though, Im not sure I'm 100% convinced that the people of this world deserve it. I know there are some good people out there, so before I get too far, lets be clear that I have some amazingly supportive and loving friends and family in my life that I am very grateful for.

What Ive been struggling with during this period of being less selfish is coming to the conclusion that most people are selfish assholes. People will use you for their benefit and then leave you in the dirt. This world is a nasty, ugly and ruthless place. People are ignorant and clueless. There are people out there who want to see you fail, that are so jealous that they will do anything to make you feel hurt or left out and lonely. Even if you spend every hour of your day doing good for people and the world, its very likely that you will get hurt, feel alone and helpless at some point - regardless of how much you have given back.  This world has an incredible way of bringing us back down from the few beautiful mountain tops of relief we might be lucky enough to enjoy for a moment. Nothing is permanent, especially not feeling good. No matter how much happiness you may find, the world will find a way to bring you back down to reality. The reality is that this life is a cycle of suffering.

I know that I need to continue to do the work to get back to the other half of the cycle where I feel calm and clear and serene. But it in the really dark and lonely days its hard not to think, 'why? 'what is the point?' It's so much work, and someone or something is waiting right there around the corner to steal it from you. Are these normal thoughts? Am I depressed? Someone mentioned to me this week that maybe I need to talk to someone for help with this...maybe that's what's next in this journey? Maybe I need professional help. Its true that Ive been through some pretty heavy shit throughout my life. Could I still be traumatized by it all? Have I truly dealt with everything? Or has  all the pain just been sitting right under the surface, causing all my suffering this whole time. This cleanse has taken me to all corners of my heart and mind and through every extreme of emotions. Is it normal to feel all these things? Or am I a manic? My hope after all this work is that it I would have stabilized a little bit more. But maybe these extreme thoughts are just a result of the incredible stress Ive been under lately...Who can know for sure.

What I do know for sure is that Ive been feeling super lonely lately, I guess that is  part of the process when a relationship ends. I think Im also realizing that I kind of suck at being with people. I still get anxious and tend to avoid social situations. Its bizarre though, because I know Im lonely and should be out connecting with people. But when I give in and go socialize, I mostly feel annoyed with everyone or awkward and super uncomfortable. These feelings turn to hate of all people and then I want to go back and isolate in my safe little private world. I wonder if people can sense that Im feeling when Im out with them maybe thats why I don't get invited back to hang out with that person or group again? Or maybe this is all in my head? Gah. I don't know.  It sure was easy to be confident and social when I was drinking..

Through these struggles Ive had over the past few weeks, Ive been thinking a lot about drinking and partying. Before this cleanse I drank a lot. Excessively would also be an accurate term to describe the drinking.  I know I was turning to whatever feel good I could find to deal with stress, loneliness, anger etc. Drinking heavily is the norm in the circle I run with and with most circles according to lots of people I talk to.  Once June 1 hits, I know I definitely cannot get back into that cycle of drinking and hangovers, guilt, unhealthy eating and all the other crap that comes along with that lifestyle. Lately, Ive been craving a good party night where I get super wasted and stay up late and get crazy with some friends. I wanna dance and laugh my face off and loose control. I can honestly say that since Ive been off the booze and partying my life is dramatically less fun :( How do I find a balance here? I need some more fun in my life. I need more connections and people but how do I find the balance and not end up  back in the unhealthy cycle?

I guess Im gonna have to make some baby steps and figure out what will work.  I really really need to take it slow and be very cautious. I cant risk going too far down unhealthy path because I know how hard I will be on myself and thus start the negative cycle all over again.

Its imperative that I have a new goal and something to work towards come June 1. I believe that is the key to keeping on a successful path. Once Im back from Europe with my parents, I will be continuing with the mindful spending and debt payment. I have to say that Ive done pretty good in a short period of time with the credit card debt, considering the few spending slips I had at the end here. Spending money is 100% another addition of mine that I will need to keep an eye on. I'll need to work on the numbers a bit but I'm aiming to save up $10,000 in the next year. I know it doesn't seem like much but until I get a bit more debt paid off that number will be hard to meet.  I really don't make that much money and the condo eats up so much of my expenses there is little room for frivolous spending. Being so broke whole paying off the credit cards, I am reminded each day now of how stupid Ive been with money in the past few years.

I am still considering leaving WJ. Once this project wraps up, I'll give things a few months to settle and then decide if I want to stick around or not. The thing is that I feel so taken advantage of every single day and life is too short to stick around people and places that don't give you credit for what you do or recognize your value. Maybe once the workload eases off, I may actually get to use my flight benefits. If I can utilize the benefits maybe I'll want to stay.

Its been very hard watching my friends travel around the world while Im stuck here working like a dog and battling my demons. My family and friends are benefiting from my flight benefits ways more than I am. I need to change that. I need to focus more on travel in the next year, Ive forgotten what its like to just pack up an go on adventure! I used to do it so often and now its like a foreign concept.  I have a feeling the trip to Europe will help light that fire again.

Ive got the marathon next weekend and Im feeling pretty good about where I am physically for that. The training has been great and such a good release for me when Im out of the office. My knee is in pretty rough shape so I'll have to back off the running once the race is over but Ive decided to give yoga a try for 30 days once Im back from Europe. I'm in great shape but want to work on my flexibly and its a great tie in with the meditation practice that I am definitely keeping up with.

So, just 10 more days to go on the cleanse.. less than one month to go until my first vacation since December. Its very likely that all the doom and gloom Ive been feeling lately is due to not having a break in so long. I know Ive been working very hard for the past few months. All the work and sacrifice was bound to take its toll. There will be time to celebrate come June 1. Until then,  I've got to keep pushing right to the end.

<3

Less Self

Day 66.

Now that Im in the final stretch of the journey its time to buckle down and finish strong. The principles that I wanted to follow and learn during the past 66 days have become a new way of life and Im feeling super healthy and clear minded.

I want to ensure that when June 1 rolls around I have zero regrets knowing that I stuck to the rules right to the end. I want to ensure also that I continue to push my self and learn right until the end. No half measures, so to speak.

Goals for the final days:

Most importantly Im focusing on LESS SELF. I have spent the last 66 days thinking about me, myself and I, buts its OK because I needed some serious self-healing. Now, as I'm feeling better and on a centred and focused path, its time to start giving back. The more I speak with people about the path Ive been on, the more I realize that everyone is suffering in some way or other. Everyone wants to be happy and make some improvements in there physical and/or mental well being. Everyone should have access to or support in finding the tools necessary to face the challenges that life puts in our paths.

The most common theme I've read about in the Buddhist teachings is about thinking and doing less for one's self and giving/doing more for others. I am making a physical and conscious effort to do this everyday until June 1. Obviously I want to focus on living more selflessly beyond June 1 too. Ive learned from experience through this challenge that it takes a while for a new behaviour to become a habit. A thought becomes words, words become actions, actions become habits. My hope is to have 'living selflessly' become a habit, much like the other new habits I've formed over the past 2 months have become like second nature.

To reenforce this path of less self, Ive been testing out a new kind of mediation where I focus on love and compassion for all other beings. Im starting with meditation for friends and family that I think need some help. Basically I visualize breathing away their pain and suffering, then envision the light and love bathing their bodies and minds. Once I feel comfortable with this process I'm going to start meditating for the people in my life that I see as 'less desirable'. For example, the people that bother me, annoying me or that I generally do not like. This is going to be a hard one! Ive read that the truest path to enlightenment is through feeling true equanimity for all beings. The idea here is that you receive the enlightenment you are looking for because you are giving back to the beings in our universe. Seems like a good deal to me. Wishing for true love and compassion for all - This is gonna be challenging, but Im gonna give it a go. 

I plan to continue removing excess junk and distractions in all formats. This means being  mindful of spending, consuming, and time spent on devices. This also means working diligently on my savings and debt payment plan. 

I will be mediating everyday  - twice a day on Wednesdays and Sundays when I will be attending formal Buddhist services . I admit that Ive been slacking on this over the past week or so as work is so busy and I've been training really hard.  But, its ok because one of the biggest learnings I'm taking away from this challenge is that I dont need to be perfect. There has to be a little give and take in a busy and full life. I'm doing a lot and sometimes I need to make some compromises.

I will continue with my fitness training schedule up until race day - and likely beyond. This means sticking to the running agenda and hitting the gym for cross training on the off days. Ive been prepping my body for the race with lots of supplements and higher calorie, carb centric foods. I'm resting often and treating my knee pain with hot/cold therapy and taping it for all strenuous work outs. I think post race - Id like to do a 30 day yoga challenge. Im in great shape but need some serious work on my flexibility!

Im so happy the weather has finally started to turn, Ive been outside as much as humanly possible and plan to continue to do so. Im loving spending early mornings and warm evenings wandering the parks with Kaiser.

Unfortunately, work hate and stress is starting to creep back into my mind lately as this nightmarishly long project slowly comes to a close. May 15 marks the end date of this 6 YEAR monstrosity. It is key that I stick to the principles that I have found keep me sane through out this challenge during this last hard push to the end. Honestly, Im so grateful of the timing of all these changes as otherwise I would have had a full on mental breakdown by now. Timing is everything.

Last night I took a risk and went out for a friends birthday party. It was the first time I've been out since the big party in March. I knew I wasn't going to drink or stay out late and felt very confident in my decision to go out and socialize. I'll admit that it was challenging and I felt kinda weird. I was offered drinks etc and was able to turn them down. I had a few nice conversations with some new faces and generally had a nice time. I even went so far as to go to the club with everyone for a little bit.. I didn't stay long. As everyone continued to drink and party more I felt more and more separated from the crowd. The club is definitely a different place when your sober. I was pretty bored actually and just wanted to get back home to see Kaiser. I bailed before the temptation to drink an stay longer became an issue 

Im feeling impressed that I made it out and didn't give in to any temptation. It was really nice to get out and socialize.  I really do spend quite a bit of time alone these days and need to get out there more often. I think I would totally OK with continuing to hide out in my safe little world but that is not right. I need to ensure I still work on making  human connections so that I avoid the mind trapping thoughts of self that so easily take over.

Ive been thinking a lot about what Im going to do once June 1 hits. Throwing all this work away and going back to old habits just doesn't seem like an option. I feel so good and have made huge progress, I would be so disappointed in myself. Like Ive mentioned before, the key is going to be in finding the balance. I want to continue to work on my health and share what Ive learned with anyone who needs help. I want to continue to work on being a better and well rounded human.

I guess I don't have to worry about it quite yet. I will continue to practice living in the here and now and Ill take it one day at a time when that day arrives.