Funny, I keep thinking that in 10 days I'm done.
But done what? I don't think I want to be done.. I think the better way to approach end of the challenge is to ask myself this: What's next??
The last few weeks have been really hard. Work has pushed me to the limit and Ive been really struggling emotionally with old negative thought patterns sneaking back into my head.
Ive been going full out at work for almost 4 weeks straight. 12 hour days, weekend work, high stress, huge frustrations and tensions between everyone are at an all time high. The project was meant to wrap up last week but due to additional technical issues it was delayed. Again. I know my team has done everything their power to meet targets and deadlines but the amount of work we had to plough through is crazy. We finally got the majority of the work through to our staging environment on Thursday and Ive been able to take a nice long weekend before we have one more last hard push to the end and 'Go-Live" next Wednesday... hopefully my next post will be detailing the relief I feel once the project is done.
I don't think its a coincidence that being in this high stress mode has brought back a lot of the negative thoughts and feelings I had at the start of this challenge. Although I feel I have made some serious gains in how to better deal with this stress, Ive had some pretty dark days. My mind is a dangerous place when left alone too long and its all to easy for me to slip back into the 'fuck it' or 'whats the point?' type of mentality.
Ive been focussing a lot on intentionally seeking out how to be a better person and be more selfless. Ive been working on my patience with others and being more generous and kind. Ive been meditating for the benefit of others. The thing is though, Im not sure I'm 100% convinced that the people of this world deserve it. I know there are some good people out there, so before I get too far, lets be clear that I have some amazingly supportive and loving friends and family in my life that I am very grateful for.
What Ive been struggling with during this period of being less selfish is coming to the conclusion that most people are selfish assholes. People will use you for their benefit and then leave you in the dirt. This world is a nasty, ugly and ruthless place. People are ignorant and clueless. There are people out there who want to see you fail, that are so jealous that they will do anything to make you feel hurt or left out and lonely. Even if you spend every hour of your day doing good for people and the world, its very likely that you will get hurt, feel alone and helpless at some point - regardless of how much you have given back. This world has an incredible way of bringing us back down from the few beautiful mountain tops of relief we might be lucky enough to enjoy for a moment. Nothing is permanent, especially not feeling good. No matter how much happiness you may find, the world will find a way to bring you back down to reality. The reality is that this life is a cycle of suffering.
I know that I need to continue to do the work to get back to the other half of the cycle where I feel calm and clear and serene. But it in the really dark and lonely days its hard not to think, 'why? 'what is the point?' It's so much work, and someone or something is waiting right there around the corner to steal it from you. Are these normal thoughts? Am I depressed? Someone mentioned to me this week that maybe I need to talk to someone for help with this...maybe that's what's next in this journey? Maybe I need professional help. Its true that Ive been through some pretty heavy shit throughout my life. Could I still be traumatized by it all? Have I truly dealt with everything? Or has all the pain just been sitting right under the surface, causing all my suffering this whole time. This cleanse has taken me to all corners of my heart and mind and through every extreme of emotions. Is it normal to feel all these things? Or am I a manic? My hope after all this work is that it I would have stabilized a little bit more. But maybe these extreme thoughts are just a result of the incredible stress Ive been under lately...Who can know for sure.
What I do know for sure is that Ive been feeling super lonely lately, I guess that is part of the process when a relationship ends. I think Im also realizing that I kind of suck at being with people. I still get anxious and tend to avoid social situations. Its bizarre though, because I know Im lonely and should be out connecting with people. But when I give in and go socialize, I mostly feel annoyed with everyone or awkward and super uncomfortable. These feelings turn to hate of all people and then I want to go back and isolate in my safe little private world. I wonder if people can sense that Im feeling when Im out with them maybe thats why I don't get invited back to hang out with that person or group again? Or maybe this is all in my head? Gah. I don't know. It sure was easy to be confident and social when I was drinking..
Through these struggles Ive had over the past few weeks, Ive been thinking a lot about drinking and partying. Before this cleanse I drank a lot. Excessively would also be an accurate term to describe the drinking. I know I was turning to whatever feel good I could find to deal with stress, loneliness, anger etc. Drinking heavily is the norm in the circle I run with and with most circles according to lots of people I talk to. Once June 1 hits, I know I definitely cannot get back into that cycle of drinking and hangovers, guilt, unhealthy eating and all the other crap that comes along with that lifestyle. Lately, Ive been craving a good party night where I get super wasted and stay up late and get crazy with some friends. I wanna dance and laugh my face off and loose control. I can honestly say that since Ive been off the booze and partying my life is dramatically less fun :( How do I find a balance here? I need some more fun in my life. I need more connections and people but how do I find the balance and not end up back in the unhealthy cycle?
I guess Im gonna have to make some baby steps and figure out what will work. I really really need to take it slow and be very cautious. I cant risk going too far down unhealthy path because I know how hard I will be on myself and thus start the negative cycle all over again.
Its imperative that I have a new goal and something to work towards come June 1. I believe that is the key to keeping on a successful path. Once Im back from Europe with my parents, I will be continuing with the mindful spending and debt payment. I have to say that Ive done pretty good in a short period of time with the credit card debt, considering the few spending slips I had at the end here. Spending money is 100% another addition of mine that I will need to keep an eye on. I'll need to work on the numbers a bit but I'm aiming to save up $10,000 in the next year. I know it doesn't seem like much but until I get a bit more debt paid off that number will be hard to meet. I really don't make that much money and the condo eats up so much of my expenses there is little room for frivolous spending. Being so broke whole paying off the credit cards, I am reminded each day now of how stupid Ive been with money in the past few years.
I am still considering leaving WJ. Once this project wraps up, I'll give things a few months to settle and then decide if I want to stick around or not. The thing is that I feel so taken advantage of every single day and life is too short to stick around people and places that don't give you credit for what you do or recognize your value. Maybe once the workload eases off, I may actually get to use my flight benefits. If I can utilize the benefits maybe I'll want to stay.
Its been very hard watching my friends travel around the world while Im stuck here working like a dog and battling my demons. My family and friends are benefiting from my flight benefits ways more than I am. I need to change that. I need to focus more on travel in the next year, Ive forgotten what its like to just pack up an go on adventure! I used to do it so often and now its like a foreign concept. I have a feeling the trip to Europe will help light that fire again.
Ive got the marathon next weekend and Im feeling pretty good about where I am physically for that. The training has been great and such a good release for me when Im out of the office. My knee is in pretty rough shape so I'll have to back off the running once the race is over but Ive decided to give yoga a try for 30 days once Im back from Europe. I'm in great shape but want to work on my flexibly and its a great tie in with the meditation practice that I am definitely keeping up with.
So, just 10 more days to go on the cleanse.. less than one month to go until my first vacation since December. Its very likely that all the doom and gloom Ive been feeling lately is due to not having a break in so long. I know Ive been working very hard for the past few months. All the work and sacrifice was bound to take its toll. There will be time to celebrate come June 1. Until then, I've got to keep pushing right to the end.
<3
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