The night before

Its the night before race day and Im feeling super stoked!!
8 weeks of training all come to a point tomorrow morning at 7am. Im really looking forward to accomplishing this goal! Ive been saying I was gonna do a half marathon for years but never followed through. I was always so good at finding excuses or distractions. Not this time!! Nothing was going to stop me this time around.

Its been a big week for accomplishments and there are still more to come as we approach June 1.

Im very proud and happy to say that the monster project ive been working on for six years, finally went live this week. its such a huge accomplishment and releif to have it out the door. I still have a mountain of work to dig through because of all the delays on the rest of my usual work but now I can dedicate the time needed to be a great boss again for my design team.

Im really looking forward to finding the time to build some person goals I can acheive for my career now that Im over this huge milestone. Im looking forward to connecting with my team on a deeper level to understand more of what they need from me as thier leader. I'll be looking for ways to make our group stronger and more efficient in all the work we do.

Another big win for this week has been paying the last payment off one whole credit card. This has been one of hardes parts of the 90 day challenge to  accomplish. I have a bit of work to do on the other card but its defintly manageable and now possible with my new mindful spending practices. By the end of the summer i will be in good shape and will have even got some travel in :) Less debt equals less anxiety. WIN WIN WIN!!

Im feeling quite accomplished also this week in my attempts to connect with humans. Ive had a couple of really great coffee dates and some really nice chats with neighbours and friends while passing on the streets. I feel the anxiety come and go but Its a huge step to recognize it, face it head on and not run away or avoid the social opportunities. I feel as though now that my stress levels should be lowered greatly, my lingering anxiety around people will continue to subside. This will always be a work in  progress for me .

But lets get back in to more exciting topics... like tomorrow.. RACE DAY!!

Ive trained diligently for weeks, stuck to a stict diet and treated my body well after putting it through some vigorous torture.
My knee has had some tough days and im hoping that with all the stretching, taping and suppliments Ive been taking, it stays strong through the race. I know im going to have to push myself to make the time I want (1 hour 42 mins). The time goal is aggressive for my first run, I know. But I feel like its acheivealbe with the shape im in mentally and physically.  There are going to be factors that could negatively affect my time that Im unaware of as Ive never done this before so hope I wont be too hard om myslef if I come in slower. This is going to be a great experience either way.

Ive been eatng like a champ for the past few days, resting lots but also keeping the blood flowing with gentle walks and runs and lots of stretching.
Ive got all my gear laid out and my race day bag packed with back up clothes and post race drinks and snacks. Tomorrow Ill be waking up early (4am ish) so I can stretch and meditate. This is key to my success tomorrow. Ive had some beautiful visualizations this week while meditating about the race and how its going to feel at certain milestones along the course. Im really looking forward to seeing my freinds and family there, cheering me on at the start and finish lines. I am so grateful for their support! Im a very lucky girl !

There is literally nothing left I can do to prepare other than go to bed early and wake up focussed on the challange ahead!

Ciao for now! Next post I'll have the race results and be just a few days away from completing this crazy 90 day challenge. Im already feeling quite proud of what Ive done here. So many life changing habits have been formed that Im excited to build on. I cant wait to continue onwards and add to the achievment list post June 1.

<3

Home stretch

Funny, I keep thinking that in 10 days I'm done.
But done what? I don't think I want to be done.. I think the better way to approach end of the challenge is to ask myself this:  What's next??

The last few weeks have been really hard. Work has pushed me to the limit and Ive been really struggling emotionally with old negative thought patterns sneaking back into my head.

Ive been going full out at work for almost 4 weeks straight. 12 hour days, weekend work, high stress, huge frustrations and tensions between everyone are at an all time high. The project was meant to wrap up last week but due to additional technical issues it was delayed. Again. I know my team has done everything their power to meet targets and deadlines but the amount of work we had to plough through is crazy. We finally got the majority of the work through to our staging environment on Thursday and Ive been able to take a nice long weekend before we have one more last hard push to the end and 'Go-Live" next Wednesday... hopefully my next post will be detailing the relief I feel once the project is done.

I don't think its a coincidence that being in this high stress mode has brought back a lot of the negative thoughts and feelings I had at the start of this challenge. Although I feel I have made some serious gains in how to better deal with this stress, Ive had some pretty dark days. My mind is a dangerous place when left alone too long and its all to easy for me to slip back into the 'fuck it' or 'whats the point?' type of mentality.

Ive been focussing a lot on intentionally seeking out how to be a better person and be more selfless. Ive been working on my patience with others and being more generous and kind. Ive been meditating for the benefit of others. The thing is though, Im not sure I'm 100% convinced that the people of this world deserve it. I know there are some good people out there, so before I get too far, lets be clear that I have some amazingly supportive and loving friends and family in my life that I am very grateful for.

What Ive been struggling with during this period of being less selfish is coming to the conclusion that most people are selfish assholes. People will use you for their benefit and then leave you in the dirt. This world is a nasty, ugly and ruthless place. People are ignorant and clueless. There are people out there who want to see you fail, that are so jealous that they will do anything to make you feel hurt or left out and lonely. Even if you spend every hour of your day doing good for people and the world, its very likely that you will get hurt, feel alone and helpless at some point - regardless of how much you have given back.  This world has an incredible way of bringing us back down from the few beautiful mountain tops of relief we might be lucky enough to enjoy for a moment. Nothing is permanent, especially not feeling good. No matter how much happiness you may find, the world will find a way to bring you back down to reality. The reality is that this life is a cycle of suffering.

I know that I need to continue to do the work to get back to the other half of the cycle where I feel calm and clear and serene. But it in the really dark and lonely days its hard not to think, 'why? 'what is the point?' It's so much work, and someone or something is waiting right there around the corner to steal it from you. Are these normal thoughts? Am I depressed? Someone mentioned to me this week that maybe I need to talk to someone for help with this...maybe that's what's next in this journey? Maybe I need professional help. Its true that Ive been through some pretty heavy shit throughout my life. Could I still be traumatized by it all? Have I truly dealt with everything? Or has  all the pain just been sitting right under the surface, causing all my suffering this whole time. This cleanse has taken me to all corners of my heart and mind and through every extreme of emotions. Is it normal to feel all these things? Or am I a manic? My hope after all this work is that it I would have stabilized a little bit more. But maybe these extreme thoughts are just a result of the incredible stress Ive been under lately...Who can know for sure.

What I do know for sure is that Ive been feeling super lonely lately, I guess that is  part of the process when a relationship ends. I think Im also realizing that I kind of suck at being with people. I still get anxious and tend to avoid social situations. Its bizarre though, because I know Im lonely and should be out connecting with people. But when I give in and go socialize, I mostly feel annoyed with everyone or awkward and super uncomfortable. These feelings turn to hate of all people and then I want to go back and isolate in my safe little private world. I wonder if people can sense that Im feeling when Im out with them maybe thats why I don't get invited back to hang out with that person or group again? Or maybe this is all in my head? Gah. I don't know.  It sure was easy to be confident and social when I was drinking..

Through these struggles Ive had over the past few weeks, Ive been thinking a lot about drinking and partying. Before this cleanse I drank a lot. Excessively would also be an accurate term to describe the drinking.  I know I was turning to whatever feel good I could find to deal with stress, loneliness, anger etc. Drinking heavily is the norm in the circle I run with and with most circles according to lots of people I talk to.  Once June 1 hits, I know I definitely cannot get back into that cycle of drinking and hangovers, guilt, unhealthy eating and all the other crap that comes along with that lifestyle. Lately, Ive been craving a good party night where I get super wasted and stay up late and get crazy with some friends. I wanna dance and laugh my face off and loose control. I can honestly say that since Ive been off the booze and partying my life is dramatically less fun :( How do I find a balance here? I need some more fun in my life. I need more connections and people but how do I find the balance and not end up  back in the unhealthy cycle?

I guess Im gonna have to make some baby steps and figure out what will work.  I really really need to take it slow and be very cautious. I cant risk going too far down unhealthy path because I know how hard I will be on myself and thus start the negative cycle all over again.

Its imperative that I have a new goal and something to work towards come June 1. I believe that is the key to keeping on a successful path. Once Im back from Europe with my parents, I will be continuing with the mindful spending and debt payment. I have to say that Ive done pretty good in a short period of time with the credit card debt, considering the few spending slips I had at the end here. Spending money is 100% another addition of mine that I will need to keep an eye on. I'll need to work on the numbers a bit but I'm aiming to save up $10,000 in the next year. I know it doesn't seem like much but until I get a bit more debt paid off that number will be hard to meet.  I really don't make that much money and the condo eats up so much of my expenses there is little room for frivolous spending. Being so broke whole paying off the credit cards, I am reminded each day now of how stupid Ive been with money in the past few years.

I am still considering leaving WJ. Once this project wraps up, I'll give things a few months to settle and then decide if I want to stick around or not. The thing is that I feel so taken advantage of every single day and life is too short to stick around people and places that don't give you credit for what you do or recognize your value. Maybe once the workload eases off, I may actually get to use my flight benefits. If I can utilize the benefits maybe I'll want to stay.

Its been very hard watching my friends travel around the world while Im stuck here working like a dog and battling my demons. My family and friends are benefiting from my flight benefits ways more than I am. I need to change that. I need to focus more on travel in the next year, Ive forgotten what its like to just pack up an go on adventure! I used to do it so often and now its like a foreign concept.  I have a feeling the trip to Europe will help light that fire again.

Ive got the marathon next weekend and Im feeling pretty good about where I am physically for that. The training has been great and such a good release for me when Im out of the office. My knee is in pretty rough shape so I'll have to back off the running once the race is over but Ive decided to give yoga a try for 30 days once Im back from Europe. I'm in great shape but want to work on my flexibly and its a great tie in with the meditation practice that I am definitely keeping up with.

So, just 10 more days to go on the cleanse.. less than one month to go until my first vacation since December. Its very likely that all the doom and gloom Ive been feeling lately is due to not having a break in so long. I know Ive been working very hard for the past few months. All the work and sacrifice was bound to take its toll. There will be time to celebrate come June 1. Until then,  I've got to keep pushing right to the end.

<3

Less Self

Day 66.

Now that Im in the final stretch of the journey its time to buckle down and finish strong. The principles that I wanted to follow and learn during the past 66 days have become a new way of life and Im feeling super healthy and clear minded.

I want to ensure that when June 1 rolls around I have zero regrets knowing that I stuck to the rules right to the end. I want to ensure also that I continue to push my self and learn right until the end. No half measures, so to speak.

Goals for the final days:

Most importantly Im focusing on LESS SELF. I have spent the last 66 days thinking about me, myself and I, buts its OK because I needed some serious self-healing. Now, as I'm feeling better and on a centred and focused path, its time to start giving back. The more I speak with people about the path Ive been on, the more I realize that everyone is suffering in some way or other. Everyone wants to be happy and make some improvements in there physical and/or mental well being. Everyone should have access to or support in finding the tools necessary to face the challenges that life puts in our paths.

The most common theme I've read about in the Buddhist teachings is about thinking and doing less for one's self and giving/doing more for others. I am making a physical and conscious effort to do this everyday until June 1. Obviously I want to focus on living more selflessly beyond June 1 too. Ive learned from experience through this challenge that it takes a while for a new behaviour to become a habit. A thought becomes words, words become actions, actions become habits. My hope is to have 'living selflessly' become a habit, much like the other new habits I've formed over the past 2 months have become like second nature.

To reenforce this path of less self, Ive been testing out a new kind of mediation where I focus on love and compassion for all other beings. Im starting with meditation for friends and family that I think need some help. Basically I visualize breathing away their pain and suffering, then envision the light and love bathing their bodies and minds. Once I feel comfortable with this process I'm going to start meditating for the people in my life that I see as 'less desirable'. For example, the people that bother me, annoying me or that I generally do not like. This is going to be a hard one! Ive read that the truest path to enlightenment is through feeling true equanimity for all beings. The idea here is that you receive the enlightenment you are looking for because you are giving back to the beings in our universe. Seems like a good deal to me. Wishing for true love and compassion for all - This is gonna be challenging, but Im gonna give it a go. 

I plan to continue removing excess junk and distractions in all formats. This means being  mindful of spending, consuming, and time spent on devices. This also means working diligently on my savings and debt payment plan. 

I will be mediating everyday  - twice a day on Wednesdays and Sundays when I will be attending formal Buddhist services . I admit that Ive been slacking on this over the past week or so as work is so busy and I've been training really hard.  But, its ok because one of the biggest learnings I'm taking away from this challenge is that I dont need to be perfect. There has to be a little give and take in a busy and full life. I'm doing a lot and sometimes I need to make some compromises.

I will continue with my fitness training schedule up until race day - and likely beyond. This means sticking to the running agenda and hitting the gym for cross training on the off days. Ive been prepping my body for the race with lots of supplements and higher calorie, carb centric foods. I'm resting often and treating my knee pain with hot/cold therapy and taping it for all strenuous work outs. I think post race - Id like to do a 30 day yoga challenge. Im in great shape but need some serious work on my flexibility!

Im so happy the weather has finally started to turn, Ive been outside as much as humanly possible and plan to continue to do so. Im loving spending early mornings and warm evenings wandering the parks with Kaiser.

Unfortunately, work hate and stress is starting to creep back into my mind lately as this nightmarishly long project slowly comes to a close. May 15 marks the end date of this 6 YEAR monstrosity. It is key that I stick to the principles that I have found keep me sane through out this challenge during this last hard push to the end. Honestly, Im so grateful of the timing of all these changes as otherwise I would have had a full on mental breakdown by now. Timing is everything.

Last night I took a risk and went out for a friends birthday party. It was the first time I've been out since the big party in March. I knew I wasn't going to drink or stay out late and felt very confident in my decision to go out and socialize. I'll admit that it was challenging and I felt kinda weird. I was offered drinks etc and was able to turn them down. I had a few nice conversations with some new faces and generally had a nice time. I even went so far as to go to the club with everyone for a little bit.. I didn't stay long. As everyone continued to drink and party more I felt more and more separated from the crowd. The club is definitely a different place when your sober. I was pretty bored actually and just wanted to get back home to see Kaiser. I bailed before the temptation to drink an stay longer became an issue 

Im feeling impressed that I made it out and didn't give in to any temptation. It was really nice to get out and socialize.  I really do spend quite a bit of time alone these days and need to get out there more often. I think I would totally OK with continuing to hide out in my safe little world but that is not right. I need to ensure I still work on making  human connections so that I avoid the mind trapping thoughts of self that so easily take over.

Ive been thinking a lot about what Im going to do once June 1 hits. Throwing all this work away and going back to old habits just doesn't seem like an option. I feel so good and have made huge progress, I would be so disappointed in myself. Like Ive mentioned before, the key is going to be in finding the balance. I want to continue to work on my health and share what Ive learned with anyone who needs help. I want to continue to work on being a better and well rounded human.

I guess I don't have to worry about it quite yet. I will continue to practice living in the here and now and Ill take it one day at a time when that day arrives.

Half Way!

Day 48.. Wow.

Just past the half way mark. Ive had lots to think about these days. My perspective on life continues to change. I'm seeing lots of gains and still experiencing a few struggles. Here's a little bit of what's been going on lately.

I'm feeling a vast improvement in my general thoughts towards work and my career as a whole. This is a huge win as hating going to work everyday was slowly killing me. I've spent the last couple of years literally fighting the organization's decisions every step of the way. I hated everything. My new leadership, my new teams, my never ending project etc. Work has taken up so much time in my head and really eaten away at my mental health for far too long. The resentments towards everything and everyone have been like disease taking over my mind, body and soul.

I have found some mental freedom from constant stress. I feel a sense letting-go of the drive to move up to the next level, get promoted, get a raise etc etc. At the present moment, I'm not interested in getting promoted and becoming engaged in a whole new level of bureaucracy and politics. I have zero interest in putting myself through that torture. What would be the point? Adding more stress and responsibility is just not that appealing to me. Im grateful Ive come to this realization as its lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel Ive removed a level of pressure that I was putting on myself that could have had further serious negative impacts to my mental health. So, for the moment, I am content with where Im at. Content in this stage, focussed on the now. This is progress!

Being focussed on improving my mental and physical health has allowed me to care less about all the bullshit of the corporate world. I feel I am finally learning to let go of some that daily suffering. I also feel like my life is not all about work these days. Going to the office each day is just something that happens in the middle of doing what I love each morning and evening.  Ive found new things that I am passionate about and focussed on. This has given me the reason to be excited about life again.

Excuse the language here  - but I truly am starting to give less fucks! LOL. This is in regards to both work and personal matters.  Im not trying to solve all the worlds issues every day and Im not taking on more than what I have control over. I cant control everything or anyone else's decisions or actions. Over the past few weeks Ive set some important boundaries for myself and Ive communicated these to my colleagues and other people in my life both through words and action. By sticking to my own guidelines, and walking this new walk, others are respecting my boundaries. Imagine that!

Im enjoying my simple and quiet life these days.  Im happy when I wake up at 430am to meditate and work out. I love the quiet alone time each morning. I truly look forward to it! This routine has been a game changer and makes me feel incredible. Ive found a very comfortable space in my mind when I'm meditating and I can seek it out each time I sit. Im feeling very proud about this. Im loving the silence during meditation and even more when I'm off the cushion. I remember when I started down this path that silence was something I struggled greatly with. I couldn't stand to be alone in the quiet and now I need it. I need my silent alone time to to be able to shut out all the noise and distractions of my busy days.

Ive made some progress with my debt but have definitely had a couple of spending slips. I had to purchase a few things like fights and hotels for the trip to London and Paris.  I also (shamefully) bought some new clothes and shoes... The more time I think about my spending habits the more I see that I need to treat spending money like an addiction too. Due to the un budgeted spending in these last few weeks, Ive had to adjust some of the credit card payment plan and push the dates out a little. Looks like the debt wont be paid off until the end of summer but Ill be in good shape come fall. I guess considering where I was at the beginning of this challenge there has been some improvement but also some mistakes and learning have been had. Online shopping is the devil and I need to abstain from it all together. Its too easy. Its a quick feel good that later brings feelings of guilt and shame. A true addiction. The credit cards are going away and out of sight until June 16th. I need to cut that shit off.

On  a more positive note, Ive had some pretty big revelations lately.
There are as follows:

I am OK! Everything is going to be OK.
My life is good. I am healthy. I am lucky in so many aspects of life.

Just a few short years ago, I consciously remember thinking these thoughts and thinking them often.
I am not sure where I lost my gratitude and positive perspective along the way. Im not sure how or when it all become so negative and heavy. All I know is that Im glad Im doing the work to get out of the negative thought patters. Its crazy how fast those negative thoughts moved in and took over everything. What's even scarier is how hard it is to break free from those thoughts and turn towards a positive path. What I know for sure is that this feels like the right path and Im going to do what ever I can to stay on it.

I remember when I was over the moon to be moving into my beautiful new condo downtown.  I lost that excitement some where along the way. I want to get back to being excited about it again instead of focussing on all the things that stress me out about living here and the sacrifices Ive made to have my lovely home.
I used to loved my job and was proud that I worked for a reputable organization that offers great benefits and has been a huge contributing factor to where I am in my life. Considering all the serious battles Ive faced along the way in my life, just the fact that Im where I am is a miracle in itself. There was a time many years ago, that I didn't even want to be alive, let alone see myself in the kind of life Im leading now.

In this past few weeks Ive started feeling glimmers of gratitude coming back! Taking this time to reset my perspective has cleared my mind and has enabled me to see everything more clearly. Ive seen small improvements in my ability to stay patient in scenarios that would have sent me into an angry fit in the past. I believe Im seeing the benefits of daily meditation pay off here.

Also, Im letting go little by little of the need for everything to be perfect. This is a tough one for me as I really have a specific way that I like things to be. I do definitely have some work to do here though as its easy for my mind to obsess over every little detail when I haven't taken the proper time to meditate and find my centered state of being. Im happy that I can at least recognize this and take the necessary actions to adjust and get back on track. If I do end up in a spiral of false thinking, I have some tools now to get out of that headspace.

Ive been slowing working on cleaning out junk from my condo. One of the podcasts I enjoy listening to the most right now is called The Minimalists. The episodes have really inspired me to think about how all my stuff adds to my anxiety and daily suffering. I can honestly say that for my whole life, I LOVED stuff. I loved getting stuff , shopping for stuff, keeping stuff and looking at my stuff! I am consciously working on breaking this cycle of consumerism. Although Ive struggled with resisting temptation to buy more stuff this week I have made some gains in getting rid of junk I don't need. My walk-in closet was on the hit list last weekend and I can proudly say that getting rid of multiple green garbage backs of clothes, shoes, nick-nacks etc., has made the space much less stress inducing and getting dressed in the mornings is actually a pleasurable experience. I plan on working through a new area of the condo each weekend.

There are still some areas of my life feel need some attention. I want to continue to disconnect from the technology further and reconnect with more humans. I do find myself aimlessly scrolling through Instagram and constantly going back to my phone to check for new messages and notifications. I see this more and more each day as another addiction and I WANT IT GONE. Im considering cutting off internet at home for 30 days to see what its like.. Im pretty scared though. This seems drastic but could have some really amazing benefits. I would find lots of time to read more and spend more time outside. Its still a CRAZY big step, so no hasty decisions just yet. In the meantime, more baby steps. I plan on getting an old school alarm clock to use in my bedroom so that I don't use my phone at all before bed or first thing in the morning. I still have the habit of checking emails and Instagram before I even get out of bed. This is not how I want to spend the first moments of each day.

As for connecting with humans, this one is hard right now as I'm avoiding all scenarios that include late nights, bars, unhealthy food etc. Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of other things to do in downtown YYC other than drink and eat and thats what most of my friends like to do. Its what I lived for also!! So sadly, I don't see too many people right now. I have had some great coffee chats and dog park dates with close friends recently and I want to do more of that. As the weather continues to improve, there will be lots of opportunity to work on this. I just need to make it more of a priority because its easy for me to hide out in my safe, clean and quiet little world right now. Eventually Im going to have to ease myself back into the general public and be able to exercise restraint when it comes to eating, drinking, spending etc. Im looking forward to getting back out there but will definitely need to work on finding balance. I've always been an all or nothing type of girl! Balance will be the key to maintaining the successes of the 90 day challenge.

Lastly, Im spending an increasing amount of time learning more about the practice Buddhism. The principles of the sect really speak to me and go hand in hand with my meditation rituals. Each morning I include 20 minutes of Dharma readings before I meditate. The lessons each day help guide a train of thought for my meditation session. Its been a very natural and beautiful progression. Im hoping to make some further connections with the others that attend meditation each week at the monastery. I want to learn as much as possible about the religion and apply more of the principles to my daily lifestyle. This branch of The Happiness Revolution was not expected at all, but Im so happy about where its taking me. I plan to follow this path further and see where it leads. I have a feeling it will lead me to a deeper understanding of the purpose I'm seeking and finding in this life.

<3

Half Marathon Training Journal

Week One:
April 6       EF      8k      
10K actual. Knee pain. Some walking required. 
Time not recorded.

April 8       LG     11.8k  
Pace way too slow in first half. No problem with lung capacity. 
Knee pain/ab cramping early on. Difficult to focus with Kaiser in tow!
Pre run snack: Coffee w/almond milk. 1 Slice GF toast with cashew butter.
Time: 1:15

April 10     EZ      6.5k
7K actual
Pace feeling better but still slow. Knee pain started at 5k but could bear the pain better than Saturday
Lung capacity is good, could have gone longer. No abdominal cramps
Pre run snack: coffee with almond milk and 1/2 TBSP cashew butter
Lots of stops for Kaiser to pee :) 
Perfect cool temp. 
Time: 44:02 - minus Kaiser breaks approx 39 mins.

Week Two:
April 14       LG      13k
12k actual
Better pace through out - had enough energy at the end to push for the last km
knee pain came in around 5km mark but was bearable. Went away eventually. No cramps!
I missed kaiser but not having him there made a huge difference in focus.
Time 1:02

April 16       EF     8k
10k actual
Felt great. minor knee pain.
Brought Kaiser with me and his back leg was hurting so we had to stop :( Poor Guy.
Switched shoes out for New Balance. Nice weight, good fit. Could possibly use more cushion for knee support for longer distance.
Time: 54:44

April 18       EZ      6.5k
Actual 10k
Really pushed for a faster time today
No Kaiser. Knee pain around the 3km mark but but bearable and sporadic
Extreme knee pain for the rest of the day :(
Need to take 2-3 days off to recover - Happy with my time tho!!
Time 51:00

Week Three:
April 22      EF      8k
Actual 11k
Took it slow today as I did a 2 hour work out a couple hours before.
Brought Kaiser with me and was trying out new shoes - good size and weight but need more cushion. Will add an insole for tomorrow's long run.
Virtually zero knee pain during and after :) Maybe the joint pain supplements are kicking in.
Time 1 hour

April 23      LG     14.5k
Actual 16k
Great run! Minimal knee pain during run and only a little bit after.
Cold rainy weather was perfect. good page at just over 5 min per km. 
Need to shave off some time to hit 1:44 mark for race day.
Time 1:24

April 28     EZ      6.5k
9k actual
Super easy pace with Kaiser at the dog park, poor guy is getting old and cant keep up after 7k.
no pain. no  time recorded.

Week Four:
April 29       LG     16k
17k actual
Longest run yet. My start felt really slow. Pace around 11k was perfect coming in at just under 5min per km. That the time I need to keep to place in the top 20 on race day. Very challenging to keep that up for the whole 21.1k
I think a realistic goal would be to hit 5min per km. 107.5 mins  = 1 hour 47.5 mins. I wont place with this time but I think its whats reasonable for my first time.
Knee pain came on strong around 5k then backed off and was bearable.
New Pains discovered - hips were ready to give out at 16k.
Recovery was easy and pretty much pain less :)
Time 1:29 - average 5:15 per KM.

May 3        EF     10k
Actual 14k
Feeling super strong  -knee taping seems to be helping a little.
the pain is pretty much unavoidable though around the 6k mark. Once I get back 8 or 9k it seems to go away a little.
Super easy recovery
very happy with the average pace - still might be hard to maintain for the full 21.5km.
Time: 1:10 average 5:07 min per km

May 5          EZ      6.5k
Actual 10k
Great pace - keeping at under 5:10 per km.
knee hurt alot today... but recovery was fast.
Time: 50:59  @ 5:08 per km

Week Five:
May 9             10.5 k
Time: 54:11

May 11           9 k
Time: 44:51

May 14           22 k
Time: 1:51
Longest run of the training plan! Felt really strong throughout. 
Figured out a good place plan and when to take the gels and blocks.
Extreme knee pain and very exhausted for the remainder of the day.
Ill want to go a little bit faster in the middle around the 10km mark to shave off a few minutes on race day.
Im hoping that the adrenalin on race day will help shave off a few additional minutes so I can make it in the top 20!!

Week Six: Taper training starts
May 19       5 km - no time tracked. Easy run to keep joints loose.
May 22
May 24


May 28      RACE DAY    21.1K

Little did I know!

37 days in. Just over a third of the challenge is behind me now and considering all that has transpired, I am feeling strong. I am feeling clear and centred.

With that being said, little did I know all the things I would face when I started down this path.  In retrospect, I guess thats the real reason why I felt the need to face this challenge head on. I was ready and needed to make some changes to my perspective on life.

I can easily say that my perspective has shifted in a big way already and I still have quite a ways to go. Ive seen and learned a lot about myself but Ive also learned a bit about the people in my life over the past 37 days. This knowledge has lead to some really painful conversations and decisions. I learned more about setting boundaries and expectations of myself and my people. Ive learned where its worth it to take a risk and what actions and behaviors don't pay off. Its been bitter sweet to say the least. Change is hard and there can be a cost associated to it. I plan to continuing digging deeper into these areas and learning more about what I need from life and what I need from people in my life.

Since my last post Ive been diligent with my workouts and stayed 98 % true to the diet restrictions. Ive been maintaining my goal weight without obsessing over meal plans and food journals. Its still a challenge to find food that is 100% clean at all times.  The temptation to cheat and eat the cheap delicious garbage that is waved in our greedy faces every day is overwhelming on the best of days. On the days where I have given into any cravings, even the slightest cheat, I feel the ramifications almost instantly. Headaches, gas & bloating, anxiety and anger creep back in like an old familiar enemy. I plan to introduce items slowly back into my diet when this 9o days has passed but I believe I wont stray too far from the path I have been following. The discomfort is just not worth it.

Ive got 8 weeks to go now before the marathon and I did my first outdoor training session this week. I (of course) overdid it on day one and hurt my knee but Im feeling healed and ready to get back at it tomorrow morning. The plan is to do 3 runs a week, one short , one medium and one long. I'll need to follow this plan strictly for the next 8 weeks building up to the race on May 28. The goal is to continue with additional strength and cardio training thought the week in between the run days. Ive got a running journal started and cant wait to start filling in the stats and times of the weekly training. I have a general idea of what my time should like like for the full 21.1km race but until I have a few more sessions under my belt, I wont commit to a finish time just yet. I still want to place in the top 20 in my age group. Hopefully thats not too aggressive a goal.. I guess we will see soon enough.

My meditation practice has been plugging along. Some days are definitely better than others and I have only missed a few days of practice. I have a spot set up at home dedicated to meditating and its become nice little safe haven to go to every morning before work or the gym.  My morning routine feels good. I am still taking lots of time to ease myself into the day with low light and lots of quiet. I am being gentle with myself before I throw my mind and body into the madness of my days.  I feel more calm and centered most of the time. I still have my moments though, don't get me wrong. For example, driving and general interactions with other humans in busy public spaces can still get to me. I have found that Ive been quick to get super angry lately. One minute I'm totally fine and then the next want to scream and kick and throw a fit cause I cant find a parking spot downtown. Im linking these emotions back to all the heavy personal stuff Ive had on my mind for the past few weeks and the high stress of the final push to get my 6 year long project signed off on. To work on that, I will continue to find calmness in my mind whenever I can.

I went to the monastery this week for the Wednesday group meditation and it felt so good to be back. As I performed the walking meditation I felt connected to the earth with each step and consciously focused on the true moment I was in.  These moments are pure bliss. I experienced some amazingly powerful moments of clarity and calm during sitting portion. I managed to sit quite comfortably for the full hour and found a beautiful warm space to rest my mind for a good period of time. Ive been practicing new mantras during the sessions this week and they have brought forward some insights that have been hard to hear and hard to ignore. I know my subconscious has been trying to tell me some important messages for a while that I just wasn't ready to hear. I am hearing some of those messages loud and clear and in turn, have had to make some hard decisions.

As I am so focussed on my health this year, both physically and mentally, I've made the call to bow out of Burning Man. The stars were just not aligning for me and it just doesn't feel right. All my original plans and things I was excited to do for this Burn fell apart earlier this year and I was really forcing a plan to make it work. After lots of thoughts and weighing the pros and cons, I came to the conclusion that its just not what is best for me right now.

Focussing on paying off debt has been a real eye opener. Not allowing myself to use credit cards has been one of the hardest parts of this challenge. Now that I am finally starting to make a dent in the debt I can see that I was living in financial LALA Land. I was being so irresponsible!  I do have nice things to show for the money spent but that way of living is over. I still have a ways to go to get back on track but its manageable if I continue to follow my strict budgets. Keeping track of every bill and penny spent is a lot of work but its been worth it. Its something that I hope to be diligent with for the rest of my life.

On top of that, the European summer adventure has taken a huge left turn. The trip has been reduced to 10 days, includes only London and Paris and will be shared with my Mom and Dad. Sadly, the original plan was just not feasible and had to be adjusted. I am devastated about the change. I am however, grateful that I will get to build special memories with my parents. I have done a lot of reflection as of late on the importance of spending quality time with family and other highly important people in my life.

Recently, a member of our extended family was given 6 months to live as he contracted a rare form of aggressive bran cancer. The news affected me greatly. It put many things in perspective and has likely been a big motivator in all the changes I am going through. In all the Buddhist philosophy Ive been learning, the biggest message I keep hearing over and over is that everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever and we are in a constant ebb and flow of changes. Time rolls on. Life moves on. The more you try to hold onto anything that is outside of the present moment, the more suffering you will encounter. We must find joy in the present and forget about everything else. This is what happiness is. This is enlightenment.

Ive come to the realization that happiness is not a destination or a thing to achieve.  Happiness is found in the daily activities of bettering yourself and those around you. Its found in contributing to something bigger than yourself and doing the best you can with what you've got. True happiness is living in the moment and realizing that each moment is a miracle. So with that, I'm trying to take it all in, make this best of whats in front of me, stop fighting the past controlling the future.

Thus the Happiness Revolution. Not the Happiness Destination !!

<3

Still learning... the hard way.

The saga of this 90-day challenge continues to roll on. I guess it’s called a challenge for good reason.  

So, what did I learn (the hard way) this week?? Read on.

I started off this weekend feeling so great. Finished the week off strong at work, I accomplished a lot and felt great about it. Friday night I went to the gym and killed my run. All my strength and cardio training as really paid off. I ran 12k in under an hour at a 1.5% incline. That’s exactly the training I need to keep up for the half marathon in May. That night was super chill at home - eating well and off to bed early.

Saturday got off to a great start, had a super early meditation and a good workout. It was a beautiful day! Love that sun has decided to come back.

Eddy and I went to the Buddhist Monastery for the Charity veggie buffet for brunch and we had a nice time. The food smelled and looked so good but unfortunately 90% of it did not fit into the 90-day challenge guidelines. Here is where things start to unravel.

I knew as I watched the volunteers pile more and more food onto my plate that I wasn’t going to feel well if I ate the items. Never the less, I took all the food and nearly ate everything. All the rich sauces, strange tofu and mushroom dishes were swirling around in my super clean system and the side effects took a strong hold on my mind and tummy almost instantly. Before we even left the building, I felt dizzy, uncomfortable and on-edge. I felt guilty for eating so much and my anxiety set in hard. We had a few errands to run and supplies to organize for the party we planned on attending later that evening. Just had to get groceries, take Kaiser for a good long walk, then head home to get ready.

Eddy and I had made plans to go this party a few weeks back, when I was just a few days into the challenge. I had been having second thoughts about going ever since I got my hands on the secret codes. But it was a going to be a super epic fun time that couldn’t/shouldn’t be missed! Even Vice magazine was going to be there! Maybe I could enjoy the party and stick to the cleanse ?? I know myself better than that by now. Or at least I should.

I spent a good portion if the day planning what to wear and what to bring to the event, all the while not feeling great from the weird food I had for lunch. I was obsessing over every detail, I know I was compensating for the nervousness I felt about attending the event. I know what happens at these parties, lots of booze and other ‘extracurriculars’. I was going to be a late night and throw me off the routine I’ve been working so hard at.  I tried to calm myself down by reciting my mantras, went for a nice walk, spent some time alone reading in the quiet. Nothing really seemed to be helping. I was worried about the party.  I knew that I would end of having some drinks and staying out late. I knew I would regret it. I knew it all and yet I forged on.

After a small meltdown brought on by banging my elbow on the kitchen island while packing my bags, Eddy had to bring me back from going over the edge. All the planning and organizing with myself and my crazy friends pushed me past the breaking point. God, just hearing all this makes me feel so silly. All this drama for a party… was it worth it? I’m still not sure.

Of course, the party was super fun… all the planning and organizing I had done, paid off. Eddy and I were more than prepared to have a great time, even considering the fact that we spent 90% of the night outside in -10 degrees. It was great to be out of the house and see so many faces that I haven’t seen for a while. The venue was great and the music was perfect. I had so much fun, I laughed until it hurt.  It felt amazing blow off some steam and dance until sunrise. Obviously, I fell off the wagon.

So, the downside of having so much fun.. we came home well after sunrise, which meant there was no meditation practice on Sunday morning, there was no time at the gym and definitely no Temple Service. Sunday was spent lounging around, eating junk food and recovering. Before we knew it, it was Monday morning and time back to get back into the groove. And so, of course, the guilt slowly crept in and took over.

The thing is that I felt SO off my game. It was not a great way to start the week. I didn’t meditate on Monday morning, nor did I make it to the gym. I ate more bad food that I shouldn’t have and felt really crappy. To top it off, on my walk to the bank to deposit my monthly grocery allowance, I lost the envelope full of cash. I don’t know how it happened. One minute it was there in my pocket, the next minute - vanished. Devastated. I ran around the neighbourhood a few times looking for it but to no avail… Now not only do I feel bad for straying from my path, I don’t have money for groceries for 2 weeks. WTF. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson??  I called Eddy in tears, poor guy has had to deal with so much of my shit the past month or so. (Thanks to his generosity I will be able to eat this week. ❤ )

So, here I am on Tuesday afternoon trying to come back around. It’s incredible how fast things can change from day to day by just making a few small decisions. Each little decision can have such a huge impact and for more than just a one day. The ripple effects really can linger. I’m feeling a little better than yesterday but I slept in too late to make it to the gym before work so I’m still feeling lethargic. I did manage to practice my mediation this morning and it felt like coming home. Small win. I’ve been following the meal plans today and my tummy is already thanking me. Another small win. I am committed to working out tonight to clear out the remaining cobwebs from this weekend’s activities. I need to get a collection of small wins under my belt again. I’m still feeling sick that I lost my grocery money but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I just have to run an even tighter ship until next pay day.

The good news here, is that I don’t feel the need to go out partying again for a good long time. Saturday night was it until June 1. Maybe by then I’ll be able to look at this little bump in the road and have a laugh about it. Right now, I’m just trying not be beat myself up over it. I am also now committed more than ever to stick the challenge through to the end with no more distractions or temptations.

Eventually, I may even figure out this thing they call balance.