Still learning... the hard way.

The saga of this 90-day challenge continues to roll on. I guess it’s called a challenge for good reason.  

So, what did I learn (the hard way) this week?? Read on.

I started off this weekend feeling so great. Finished the week off strong at work, I accomplished a lot and felt great about it. Friday night I went to the gym and killed my run. All my strength and cardio training as really paid off. I ran 12k in under an hour at a 1.5% incline. That’s exactly the training I need to keep up for the half marathon in May. That night was super chill at home - eating well and off to bed early.

Saturday got off to a great start, had a super early meditation and a good workout. It was a beautiful day! Love that sun has decided to come back.

Eddy and I went to the Buddhist Monastery for the Charity veggie buffet for brunch and we had a nice time. The food smelled and looked so good but unfortunately 90% of it did not fit into the 90-day challenge guidelines. Here is where things start to unravel.

I knew as I watched the volunteers pile more and more food onto my plate that I wasn’t going to feel well if I ate the items. Never the less, I took all the food and nearly ate everything. All the rich sauces, strange tofu and mushroom dishes were swirling around in my super clean system and the side effects took a strong hold on my mind and tummy almost instantly. Before we even left the building, I felt dizzy, uncomfortable and on-edge. I felt guilty for eating so much and my anxiety set in hard. We had a few errands to run and supplies to organize for the party we planned on attending later that evening. Just had to get groceries, take Kaiser for a good long walk, then head home to get ready.

Eddy and I had made plans to go this party a few weeks back, when I was just a few days into the challenge. I had been having second thoughts about going ever since I got my hands on the secret codes. But it was a going to be a super epic fun time that couldn’t/shouldn’t be missed! Even Vice magazine was going to be there! Maybe I could enjoy the party and stick to the cleanse ?? I know myself better than that by now. Or at least I should.

I spent a good portion if the day planning what to wear and what to bring to the event, all the while not feeling great from the weird food I had for lunch. I was obsessing over every detail, I know I was compensating for the nervousness I felt about attending the event. I know what happens at these parties, lots of booze and other ‘extracurriculars’. I was going to be a late night and throw me off the routine I’ve been working so hard at.  I tried to calm myself down by reciting my mantras, went for a nice walk, spent some time alone reading in the quiet. Nothing really seemed to be helping. I was worried about the party.  I knew that I would end of having some drinks and staying out late. I knew I would regret it. I knew it all and yet I forged on.

After a small meltdown brought on by banging my elbow on the kitchen island while packing my bags, Eddy had to bring me back from going over the edge. All the planning and organizing with myself and my crazy friends pushed me past the breaking point. God, just hearing all this makes me feel so silly. All this drama for a party… was it worth it? I’m still not sure.

Of course, the party was super fun… all the planning and organizing I had done, paid off. Eddy and I were more than prepared to have a great time, even considering the fact that we spent 90% of the night outside in -10 degrees. It was great to be out of the house and see so many faces that I haven’t seen for a while. The venue was great and the music was perfect. I had so much fun, I laughed until it hurt.  It felt amazing blow off some steam and dance until sunrise. Obviously, I fell off the wagon.

So, the downside of having so much fun.. we came home well after sunrise, which meant there was no meditation practice on Sunday morning, there was no time at the gym and definitely no Temple Service. Sunday was spent lounging around, eating junk food and recovering. Before we knew it, it was Monday morning and time back to get back into the groove. And so, of course, the guilt slowly crept in and took over.

The thing is that I felt SO off my game. It was not a great way to start the week. I didn’t meditate on Monday morning, nor did I make it to the gym. I ate more bad food that I shouldn’t have and felt really crappy. To top it off, on my walk to the bank to deposit my monthly grocery allowance, I lost the envelope full of cash. I don’t know how it happened. One minute it was there in my pocket, the next minute - vanished. Devastated. I ran around the neighbourhood a few times looking for it but to no avail… Now not only do I feel bad for straying from my path, I don’t have money for groceries for 2 weeks. WTF. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson??  I called Eddy in tears, poor guy has had to deal with so much of my shit the past month or so. (Thanks to his generosity I will be able to eat this week. ❤ )

So, here I am on Tuesday afternoon trying to come back around. It’s incredible how fast things can change from day to day by just making a few small decisions. Each little decision can have such a huge impact and for more than just a one day. The ripple effects really can linger. I’m feeling a little better than yesterday but I slept in too late to make it to the gym before work so I’m still feeling lethargic. I did manage to practice my mediation this morning and it felt like coming home. Small win. I’ve been following the meal plans today and my tummy is already thanking me. Another small win. I am committed to working out tonight to clear out the remaining cobwebs from this weekend’s activities. I need to get a collection of small wins under my belt again. I’m still feeling sick that I lost my grocery money but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I just have to run an even tighter ship until next pay day.

The good news here, is that I don’t feel the need to go out partying again for a good long time. Saturday night was it until June 1. Maybe by then I’ll be able to look at this little bump in the road and have a laugh about it. Right now, I’m just trying not be beat myself up over it. I am also now committed more than ever to stick the challenge through to the end with no more distractions or temptations.

Eventually, I may even figure out this thing they call balance.

Vibin'

Day 20!


Time is really going so fast, I cant believe its already been 20 days.

Today, I'm riding the high of an amazing weekend. SO much fresh air, chill time and learning. I honestly forgot how good the sun feels on my face. I had a moment of sheer bliss while walking with Kaiser along the river on Saturday. I nearly cried!! I was 100% in the moment, not a thought in the world besides what was happening exactly right then and there. My goal is to find more of those moments!

Along with some amazing alone time for self care and reflection, I managed to get in some time with friends while walking/running the stairs off Memorial drive. My legs are still feeling the effects today but I did manage to sneak in two workouts since then regardless :) Seems crazy that even with all the exercise I'm getting each day, I can still find something that touches a whole new muscle group  - and it hurts so good! Now thats its officially spring and the weather should continue to improve,  I'm planning to add the stairs to my workout routine, hopefully once a week. They will prove to be a great addition to marathon training and its another great way to get active outdoors. Kaiser and I have continued with our long walks and the fresh air has been incredible for peace of mind. The walks have been a great way to calm me down and contemplate the challenges/success of this 90 day challenge.

Since being off Facebook Ive had so much free time at home that I've become obsessed with reading and learning. My inbox is filled everyday with notifications from the library of titles Ive put on hold becoming available for pick up. My place is covered in books! Im learning so much. I have to send out another big thanks to all of the feedback I continue to get from friends following me on this path. Not only am I getting a lot of unexpected support, I get new books, advice, new sites and documentaries to check out almost everyday. Thanks to each of you for contributing to the learning process. The support is so appreciated and Im very happy to hear that this idea is rubbing off! I think there are 11 friends now officially going for 90 days clean!  This makes me so happy :)

Shockingly enough, at 20 days in, its my head that's feeling the most relief and my body giving me the most challenge. I cannot seem to find anything that doesn't upset my stomach. Im still taking probiotics and eating very carefully. I think there has been a slight improvement and I had one full day of no tummy aches. I've gone full vegetarian now and I even lean more towards vegan most days. The food prep is quite taxing and expensive but I believe its assisting with keeping a clear headspace and with the meditations. In all my reading, I've come across a few natural additives I may need to avoid. These additives are commonly added to gluten-free products. Specifically, I think it might be xanthum gum, guar gum or locust been gum. Maybe carrageenan? When I did my grocery shopping this weekend I bought only items that were free of these 'gums'. It sure did limit even more of the things I can eat these days, but I am feeling hopeful that Im going to figure this out.  I need more good tummy days to go along with the good head days.

Now that Ive been practicing meditating for 20 days Im starting to look forward to the time spent! Can you believe it?! Im not staying that at some points during a solo 30 minute session that I feel like quitting and giving up, 'cause I really do. Its almost like at some points my whole body is fighting my mind, telling me to get up. Or my mind trying to tell me I have better things to do and this is a waste of time. But, these moments are being over shadowed by something amazing. I am finding some clear spaces in my mind. Sometimes these moments last a brief minute or two but a few times this week I actually lost myself in the mediation and the time just flew. I have been working on focusing on my breathing a lot but what I have found to be most helpful is saying the mantras that I have learned at the temple and the monastery. Now, at the risk of sounding crazy Im going to tell that you Ive seen things while meditating over the past few days. I've seen warm baths of purple and green color in circular shapes, I've seen the outlines of what appears to be a face and really close up visuals of beautiful eyes and eyelashes! Weird I know.... but Im being truthful. I have also consistently seen a tunnel shape and the sky moving past me. The cool thing about what Ive experienced is that I can nearly get myself to these spaces consciously if I am focused enough. There is a space where I am so still and calm that I can feel only my heart beating and hear only my breath. My heart beats starts to rock my body back and forth in a gentle vibration type motion and then I am there, in the clear and calm space. Its very cool. Im loving it and am dedicated to getting back there as often as possible.

I believe that due to the ability to find a few moments of peace each day, I am genuinely more chilled out. I am able to enjoy some silence. I have some sanity in my brain. I am continuing to slow down. My boss actually asked me last week if I was doing something different as I seemed more calm and cool over the past 2 weeks!! I continue to settle into this new groove and have found some new rituals in the morning to assist in ensuring I start the day with a centered mind. Little things like meditating before the gym, no aggressive music too early, keeping the light down low and burning a candle or incense seem to be a great way to ease me into the day.  I relish the early moments in the in the calm and quiet. I think its making all the difference for me right now.

For the upcoming days I plan to continue on this path of intention and self care. I know that in this hectic and manic world we live in, these centered and happy moments can be hard to find and even harder to hold on to. My goal is to remember how go through the dark spots and find a way back to the light.

<3

2 Weeks.

March 14, week two.

I am struggling today. To be honest, I struggled for some of the weekend and into yesterday.
I kept to my commitment of no drinking but I did eat a few things that are not aligned with the cleanse and I spent some money that was not accounted for in my budget. My stomach is really bothering me now, I pretty  much feel uncomfortable all day. I suppose thats the price to pay by not following the cleanse diligently. 

Its pretty crazy how hard I can be on myself. The negative tapes that play over and over in my head make me mental. Its been hard the past few days to dismiss the negativity and this in turn makes me grumpy and agitated. Im feeling super sensitive to sounds, everything little noise is enough to make me fly off the handle. People chewing, stomping feet, clicking signal lights... the list can go on forever. I cant find any music that doesn't eventually annoy the shit out of me but I cant enjoy the silence because of the non stop vicious circle of thoughts in my head. Its like torture.

I guess Ive slacked in the last few days on my mediation. There is no time!! The times I tried this weekend felt like a waste, as I could not focus. My thoughts were all over the place. I did a lot this weekend, maybe thats the problem? Am I still taking on too much? Its very likely, but  I want to make the most of my days away from the office. We went up to Canmore this weekend and it was gorgeous. We had massages and facials and walked around in the sun in town. We went to a nice place for dinner too. Sounds great, right? The problem is, I feel like I should have or could have enjoyed it more but my stupid head wouldn't leave me alone. I spent most of the time thinking about work and all the things in my life that I am unhappy about. Why is it so hard to focus on the positive? Its like my head feels safer and more comfortable in the anger, fear and darkness.

I went to the Buddhist Temple on Sunday for the service and it was nice. The Sensei spoke about seeing and thinking from a different perspective. Thinking about my current headspace, the message couldn't be more relevant. Easier said than done - but I'll keep trying. Its like I have to force myself to be grateful, to see the good in people, and live in the moment. Its exhausting. Then when I go down the spiral of negative thinking I really beat myself up over it. My thoughts tell me that Im wasting my time in all these efforts and I will likely not ever change. Ugh. So painful. At the end of the service we were asked if anyone could stay and help do some cleaning around the building. I wanted to stay and help but fear of having to talk to people made me leave instead. I felt really shitty about that later.  Im still struggling with anxiety in social settings, which is something I don't like about myself. How can I be so open and outgoing in some scenarios and act like a shy, nervous and awkward child at other time? Next time I will stay and help at the Temple. I think that making some connections there will be a good thing for me. Time to stretch myself in this area.

I think it is time for a reset. Week one, I was riding some kind of ignorant high. When I say ignorant I mean 'I don't know what I don't know'.  Kind of like the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. Something like that anyway.. Time to get real again and seek some balance.

Im going to get back to the basics.

No more cheating on the food. What I eat can either directly cause me physical pain/mental suffering or it can keep me healthy and clear. I want to have a clear mind and not feel sick. I will stick to the meal plans. I have some probiotics that will hopefully help with the digestive issues. Next step will have to be an elimination plan.

I MUST keep focused and diligent with the meditation practice. One of the books Im reading said that I really need to be making time in the morning. Ugh. Im going to wake up 15 minutes earlier and make the time before I go to the gym. I am also going to try setting up a specific place to sit and practice the meditation ritual in my place. Also, the guided meditations annoy me more than guide me at the moment. I need to try something different. Maybe some kind of nature sounds? Bells? Bowls?? LOL Oh god who knows. I'll try them all.

I simply have to stop spending money that is not allocated in the budget. Ive done very well with paying off my debt in the past 4 weeks. But, I did spend some cash this weekend that I shouldn't' have. Im feeling pretty guilty about it. I must remember everyday what Im saving for ! SUMMER TRAVEL!!

Outside of these items, Im still having some success.
I went to the gym 6 out of 7 days last week. The only reason I missed one day was because the meditation at the monastery went way later than I'm used to staying out these day.
Ive been spending more time reading my library books, less time on the phone/computer.
No booze! ( Funny how currently, this is the easiest part of the challenge . I'm so focused on healing my body and mind that not drinking is really a non-issue. BIG WIN. )
Going to bed early and waking up very early

I continue to find some improvements in SLOWING DOWN. I can feel myself getting flustered and feeling rushed and Im able to recognize it and consciously make an effort to adjust. Sometimes the relief comes. It doesn't stay for long, but I am working on it. At the very least, I am definitely becoming more mindful of it.

So, here we are at another jumping off point. Onwards and upwards!
<3

Practice makes progress

This week, I've been laser focused on this challenge and I am learning so much. I have done a huge amount of thinking. Enough to make one go insane, but Ive had some really powerful insights. I have  been working on meditation and finding a way to simply SLOW DOWN. Some days are better than others. Ive had some success and some hard days. Im finding that the drive home from work in this shitty weather has a magical way of stealing any positive feelings or thoughts I've experienced through out the day. Im trying to find ways to cope with the negativity creeping back in.  

Something that has helped me feel successful this week is finding a good routine to settle into.

An average day this week looked this this.

430am - Rise and Shine

Walk kaiser

COFFEE

Pull myself together

530 - 700am  - Gym

KILL IT

715 am  - Home

Walk/feed/meds Kaiser

Get ready for work

Make breakfast/lunch/snacks

More coffee

Work emails

9am - 5pm WORK. Blah.

545pm -  Home

Walk Kaiser

Work emails

MEDITATE for 30 Mins.

700pm - Dinner /food prep for next day

730 - 9pm

Read books

Connect with humans !

930pm BED

Ive decided that trying to meditate in the morning just isn't going to work for me at this moment in my life. I already have so many things to take care of before I get to work, finding 30 minutes to stop just and chill isn't comfortable. 

Ive decided that for the time being - exercise in the will be my morning meditation. This is where I am finding my zen moments before the madness of work life sets in.

One of the thoughts that I keep hearing in the podcasts and guided meditations that I coming back to is: Be kind to yourself. BE KIND TO YOURSELF !! In honour of this thought, I have decided to stop with the counting of calories. It has become an added stress and possible obsession that I am putting myself  through that is just not necessary. I do not need to loose more weight. I can focus on my health goals and eat cleanly but there is no need to be so extreme. All counting calories is doing is adding work to my day, another journal to carry around and leaves the opportunity to beat my self up by over analyzing everything Im putting into my body. I just need to stop. This decision alone has lifted a great weight off my shoulders.

Ive been eating really well but noticing that I am still having abdominal discomfort at times and cant quite pin-point what is? I may need to do some elimination testing to figure this out. 

As I focus on doing things in my life with meaning and intention, I was thinking about all the time spent at the gym and my fitness. I want to work towards some kind of goal from this perspective. I've decided to run a half marathon at the end of May. Its something I've talked about doing for years but never followed through with. And just to keep things interesting, not only do I want to finish the half, I want to place in the top 20 for my age group. With three months to train and the current shape I'm in, I believe this is definitely achievable. I also think its the perfect way to wrap up my 90 day challenge as its something to really work towards and look forward to accomplishing.

Being off Facebook is absolutely incredible. I should have unplugged long ago. Being off FB has allowed me to be far more conscious about time spent on devices in general. Ive set a few new boundaries for myself to follow in accordance with this. No more phone in the bedroom and no social media while in the car. Baby steps! Ive even gone so far as to get a library card! The goal is to be immersed in books as opposed to staring at a screen all day and night.  So far, Ive borrowed some books on clean eating, travel through Europe, meditation and practising Buddhism. Now this last part has really come out out left field for me and Im excited to share what Iv'e been doing in this regard.

In all my research on meditation, the topic of buddhism kept popping up. I really liked what I read and decided to investigate further. Last weekend, on Sunday morning after the gym, I went to a Buddhist temple service. Just out of the blue, the thought popped into my head and I recalled driving past the Calgary Buddhist temple in Bridgeland on my way home from work. So I just went for it it. I went in pretty nervous as I had no idea what to expect.  The building had a very chill vibe and the people were all warm and welcoming. It was very open and didn't feel restrictive or judge-y like other organized religions I've experienced previously. There was a lot I didn't understand but what I could connect to was a feeling of peace and ease. At times I was overcome with emotion, it felt natural and healing. I felt as though I'd found place where I can go to shut off for a while and be immersed in something bigger than me and my silly day to day struggles. The Dharma talk put life and all of its darkness into perspective. I really loved it. This experience has spurred some further investigation into buddhist meditation. I want to know  more! In my researching I stumbled across a monastery not too far from my place that hosts public meditation  Wednesday nights. After some communication with one of the monks via email i decided to give it a try.

Thankfully, a good friend decided to come with me at the last minute. We had no idea what we were doing and Im so glad I didn't go alone. Talk about intense and intimidating! We stumbled through it together, we were awkward and felt out of place at first. We started with a walking meditation that was kinda weird at first but eventually we found a groove. After 20 minutes of walking,  the monk said we would be starting the seated meditation and it was to last an hour. Oh wow, were we scared. Neither of us thought we could sit in complete silence for an hour without loosing our minds. I didn't think we were gonna make it, I thought for sure one of us would give up and walk out. In the end we made it through, it actually went by much quicker than I anticipated and I honestly felt very proud that we sat through for the entirety.

After the meditations we moved to the library at sat in a circle with the group. There were about six of us in total and we each took a turn sharing about meditation ,our struggles with it and what we found to be beneficial. We talked about the struggles of daily life in this hectic world. It was a beautiful experience. We also did some chanting of mantras and some singing. The sharing circle turned out to be my favourite part. I think I will find a great wealth of knowledge here and I will most definitely be going back next week. My friend and I left feeling uplifted, positive and chilled right out. 

Im feeling proud of myself for keeping this focus and momentum going. Im already feeling some positive results of living with mindfulness and intention. I feel Ive found some purpose to work towards that will possibly lead me to discover a greater purpose in life. Living with intention, goals and focus - I believe this is the way to fill the empty feeling Ive had for the past few years simply going through the motions of day to day living in this crazy race we call life.

Lastly, I want to send out a big THANK YOU for the amazing responses Ive had to this blog thus far and the positive feedback I'm hearing about the challenge in general. Some of you have shared some fantastic sources with me that I am now using in my daily routine. I'll take all the help I can get. It is reassuring to hear that lots of you are feeling the same way I am with their daily struggles for happiness and a calm mind. Lets keep on this positive track together and keep the sharing going. 

Love you all!! 

Progress not perfection.

Three days into the challenge.. feeling... all over the map! My thoughts and emotions have been unpredictable and at sometimes, unpleasant.
There are so many things I want to accomplish during this time, its all feeling a little overwhelming right now. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew?? I'd never do that ;)

I've been working on quite a few things this week but in the spirit of remaining positive, I'll comment first on what I feel has been successful, so far.

I deactivated my Facebook account first thing Monday morning. Even just the act of disconnecting from those poison pages was liberating! I haven't missed it a bit. I only forgot once and tried to access my page and was pleasantly reminded when couldn't get in.

Im more focussed at work and less distracted overall. I already spend less time staring at a screen during the day. Big win :)

I've not had any alcohol - or had any desire to have any. I know its only been three days but with the way my work is right now, this is a miracle in itself. I am still using my CBD perscription but cut it out during the weekdays. Ive decided its only for evening and weekend use as I want to avoid using it as a crutch and want to keep my mind as clear as possible. 

My sleep patterns have been great. Im in bed at 830ish and asleep by 930 at the latest. Ive stopped watching shows on the laptop in bed also.  This ensures Im going to sleep right away instead of staying up wasting time on silly shows and mindlessly remaining connected to a device. I have been able to wake up easily each day at 445am to make it to the gym.

The gym is my happy place at the moment. As long as I get there before it gets busy. I've been crushing 90 minute works outs each day and I'm feeling strong.  I've also been taking nice long walks with Kaiser after work. At least an hour or two. Now if I could only turn my racing mind off while walking... Ill get into that later.

I've also been killing it with the clean eating and it feels great! No dairy, gluten, sugar.

I'm eating small amounts of turkey and chicken for protein at the moment but am looking to move to a fully vegetarian diet eventually. I'm keeping the calories per day low as Im really working on shaping up a couple of areas on my body. Im definitely not being as strict as I was before Christmas with the 1000 calories a day. I actually don't know how I did that... just means to and end I guess. I'm tracking everything in a new food journal so I am able to keep an eye on what makes me feel good and what aggravates my body.

Staying on my budget has been hard but I've done OK. I have not used my credit cards. Ive stayed off the online shopping sites and Ive managed to stick to the budgets when grocery shopping. I think this weekend will be hard. Only a few dollars left for groceries and necessities. It will be extra challenging this weekend as it's finally going to be warm outside and I know the patios will be open. My plan is to spend time outdoors with Kaiser and visit friends in non alcohol related venues. Of course, Way out West is playing at Habitat. Just my luck. I'll have to remind myself repeatedly about the big trips I'm saving for. EUROPE, BURNING MAN and BASS COAST. YAY! The self control is going to pay off come summer time.

To avoid the annoyance of the negative media on the radio and online, I've been listening to a great podcast this week on anxiety reduction. Anxiety is something I am focussing on seriously during this challenge. I really struggle with it somedays. I have anxiety over everything. It's mostly work related but can range from stressing about  having dirty dishes in the sink to thinking I have brain cancer. Sometimes the anxiety is so strong I avoid people and social situations all together. Im working on this.. its gonna be a tough one but Im actively searching out resources to make progress. I will be posting about my anxiety frequently in the future.

My biggest challenge this week has been trying to meditate. I hate it. I cant find the time, I cant find the right place, I cant find a guided program that I like and I definitely cannot sit still in total silence for even one minute. Im really going to have to work at this one. If anyone is reading this and has suggestions, please help me. I attempted to meditate 2 out of 3 days this week and only did so for 8 minutes maximum each time. I tried at home, I tried at the gym, I tired in the sauna. I tried hiding in a secret meeting room at work but all I could hear was the meeting going on beside me and I gave up eventually as I couldn't stop thinking about all the work I should have been doing. Work is definitely not the place to try and find a free moment to calm my mind. I have however, found one time during the day when I am in a trance like, focussed state. It's when Im running and I've really hit my stride and pace. Its about the only time my mind is clear and I feel totally in the zone. Is that what meditating feels like when you are doing it right?? Regardless, its the thing Im doing right now that feels the best and is aligned with my challenge, so Im going to stick with it.

Now my other huge challenge is calming the mind. It's always going at pretty much full throttle every hour that I am awake. From the nature of my dreams, its likely going at full throttle while I sleep too. My dreams are crazy - but that topic is for another day. Anyways, at this moment I don't feel it possible to stop my mind from rolling on with a million thoughts. I'm so stressed with work I find it's always on my mind. I'm thinking about the volume of work I need to handle, the 6 year long project that is meant to wrap up this month and all the people related issues I have with my teams.  At many points during the day I just want to quit. I really feel like all the stressing and daily battles are slowly killing me. My spirit is getting beaten to a pulp, that I know for sure. Is work supposed to be this hard everyday for so many years in row? Does everybody hate everyone they work? I don't feel my morals and values are aligned with where the business is going and I definitely do not connect with anyone at my office. They are just not my kind of people. I don't feel appreciated or compensated fairly for what I have to deal with everyday. The worst part is that I feel trapped. But, Im not sure that if I left and worked somewhere else, it would be any different or it would be able to afford my life the way it is. My dad says it sounds like Im going through a midlife crisis.. I guess I could be. I want a change but would have to risk a lot to do so. Im not sure I have the courage to do it. But what is alternative?  Hate my life Monday to Friday for the rest of my life, just to pay for a nice condo to  live in? I'm just not sure its worth it but Im also not sure I want to compromise on my current life style. Ugh. Adulting. Worst. If someone could look into a crystal ball and tell me what the best path is, that would be great.

Lastly, I really wanted to be journaling about the progress of this challenge everyday. I feel I totally failed here. Unfortunately with my schedule the way it is right now Im not sure its feasible but I'm gonna do my best. I think the key right now is to not beat myself up too much for not being perfect at all of this, all at once. I've taken on a lot and its going to take time to make new habits and see the results. I just need to remember something I learned many years ago.

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. ALWAYS.

<3