There are so many things I want to accomplish during this time, its all feeling a little overwhelming right now. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew?? I'd never do that ;)
I've been working on quite a few things this week but in the spirit of remaining positive, I'll comment first on what I feel has been successful, so far.
I deactivated my Facebook account first thing Monday morning. Even just the act of disconnecting from those poison pages was liberating! I haven't missed it a bit. I only forgot once and tried to access my page and was pleasantly reminded when couldn't get in.
Im more focussed at work and less distracted overall. I already spend less time staring at a screen during the day. Big win :)
I've not had any alcohol - or had any desire to have any. I know its only been three days but with the way my work is right now, this is a miracle in itself. I am still using my CBD perscription but cut it out during the weekdays. Ive decided its only for evening and weekend use as I want to avoid using it as a crutch and want to keep my mind as clear as possible.
My sleep patterns have been great. Im in bed at 830ish and asleep by 930 at the latest. Ive stopped watching shows on the laptop in bed also. This ensures Im going to sleep right away instead of staying up wasting time on silly shows and mindlessly remaining connected to a device. I have been able to wake up easily each day at 445am to make it to the gym.
The gym is my happy place at the moment. As long as I get there before it gets busy. I've been crushing 90 minute works outs each day and I'm feeling strong. I've also been taking nice long walks with Kaiser after work. At least an hour or two. Now if I could only turn my racing mind off while walking... Ill get into that later.
I've also been killing it with the clean eating and it feels great! No dairy, gluten, sugar.
I'm eating small amounts of turkey and chicken for protein at the moment but am looking to move to a fully vegetarian diet eventually. I'm keeping the calories per day low as Im really working on shaping up a couple of areas on my body. Im definitely not being as strict as I was before Christmas with the 1000 calories a day. I actually don't know how I did that... just means to and end I guess. I'm tracking everything in a new food journal so I am able to keep an eye on what makes me feel good and what aggravates my body.
Staying on my budget has been hard but I've done OK. I have not used my credit cards. Ive stayed off the online shopping sites and Ive managed to stick to the budgets when grocery shopping. I think this weekend will be hard. Only a few dollars left for groceries and necessities. It will be extra challenging this weekend as it's finally going to be warm outside and I know the patios will be open. My plan is to spend time outdoors with Kaiser and visit friends in non alcohol related venues. Of course, Way out West is playing at Habitat. Just my luck. I'll have to remind myself repeatedly about the big trips I'm saving for. EUROPE, BURNING MAN and BASS COAST. YAY! The self control is going to pay off come summer time.
To avoid the annoyance of the negative media on the radio and online, I've been listening to a great podcast this week on anxiety reduction. Anxiety is something I am focussing on seriously during this challenge. I really struggle with it somedays. I have anxiety over everything. It's mostly work related but can range from stressing about having dirty dishes in the sink to thinking I have brain cancer. Sometimes the anxiety is so strong I avoid people and social situations all together. Im working on this.. its gonna be a tough one but Im actively searching out resources to make progress. I will be posting about my anxiety frequently in the future.
My biggest challenge this week has been trying to meditate. I hate it. I cant find the time, I cant find the right place, I cant find a guided program that I like and I definitely cannot sit still in total silence for even one minute. Im really going to have to work at this one. If anyone is reading this and has suggestions, please help me. I attempted to meditate 2 out of 3 days this week and only did so for 8 minutes maximum each time. I tried at home, I tried at the gym, I tired in the sauna. I tried hiding in a secret meeting room at work but all I could hear was the meeting going on beside me and I gave up eventually as I couldn't stop thinking about all the work I should have been doing. Work is definitely not the place to try and find a free moment to calm my mind. I have however, found one time during the day when I am in a trance like, focussed state. It's when Im running and I've really hit my stride and pace. Its about the only time my mind is clear and I feel totally in the zone. Is that what meditating feels like when you are doing it right?? Regardless, its the thing Im doing right now that feels the best and is aligned with my challenge, so Im going to stick with it.
Now my other huge challenge is calming the mind. It's always going at pretty much full throttle every hour that I am awake. From the nature of my dreams, its likely going at full throttle while I sleep too. My dreams are crazy - but that topic is for another day. Anyways, at this moment I don't feel it possible to stop my mind from rolling on with a million thoughts. I'm so stressed with work I find it's always on my mind. I'm thinking about the volume of work I need to handle, the 6 year long project that is meant to wrap up this month and all the people related issues I have with my teams. At many points during the day I just want to quit. I really feel like all the stressing and daily battles are slowly killing me. My spirit is getting beaten to a pulp, that I know for sure. Is work supposed to be this hard everyday for so many years in row? Does everybody hate everyone they work? I don't feel my morals and values are aligned with where the business is going and I definitely do not connect with anyone at my office. They are just not my kind of people. I don't feel appreciated or compensated fairly for what I have to deal with everyday. The worst part is that I feel trapped. But, Im not sure that if I left and worked somewhere else, it would be any different or it would be able to afford my life the way it is. My dad says it sounds like Im going through a midlife crisis.. I guess I could be. I want a change but would have to risk a lot to do so. Im not sure I have the courage to do it. But what is alternative? Hate my life Monday to Friday for the rest of my life, just to pay for a nice condo to live in? I'm just not sure its worth it but Im also not sure I want to compromise on my current life style. Ugh. Adulting. Worst. If someone could look into a crystal ball and tell me what the best path is, that would be great.
Lastly, I really wanted to be journaling about the progress of this challenge everyday. I feel I totally failed here. Unfortunately with my schedule the way it is right now Im not sure its feasible but I'm gonna do my best. I think the key right now is to not beat myself up too much for not being perfect at all of this, all at once. I've taken on a lot and its going to take time to make new habits and see the results. I just need to remember something I learned many years ago.
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. ALWAYS.
<3
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