Vibin'

Day 20!


Time is really going so fast, I cant believe its already been 20 days.

Today, I'm riding the high of an amazing weekend. SO much fresh air, chill time and learning. I honestly forgot how good the sun feels on my face. I had a moment of sheer bliss while walking with Kaiser along the river on Saturday. I nearly cried!! I was 100% in the moment, not a thought in the world besides what was happening exactly right then and there. My goal is to find more of those moments!

Along with some amazing alone time for self care and reflection, I managed to get in some time with friends while walking/running the stairs off Memorial drive. My legs are still feeling the effects today but I did manage to sneak in two workouts since then regardless :) Seems crazy that even with all the exercise I'm getting each day, I can still find something that touches a whole new muscle group  - and it hurts so good! Now thats its officially spring and the weather should continue to improve,  I'm planning to add the stairs to my workout routine, hopefully once a week. They will prove to be a great addition to marathon training and its another great way to get active outdoors. Kaiser and I have continued with our long walks and the fresh air has been incredible for peace of mind. The walks have been a great way to calm me down and contemplate the challenges/success of this 90 day challenge.

Since being off Facebook Ive had so much free time at home that I've become obsessed with reading and learning. My inbox is filled everyday with notifications from the library of titles Ive put on hold becoming available for pick up. My place is covered in books! Im learning so much. I have to send out another big thanks to all of the feedback I continue to get from friends following me on this path. Not only am I getting a lot of unexpected support, I get new books, advice, new sites and documentaries to check out almost everyday. Thanks to each of you for contributing to the learning process. The support is so appreciated and Im very happy to hear that this idea is rubbing off! I think there are 11 friends now officially going for 90 days clean!  This makes me so happy :)

Shockingly enough, at 20 days in, its my head that's feeling the most relief and my body giving me the most challenge. I cannot seem to find anything that doesn't upset my stomach. Im still taking probiotics and eating very carefully. I think there has been a slight improvement and I had one full day of no tummy aches. I've gone full vegetarian now and I even lean more towards vegan most days. The food prep is quite taxing and expensive but I believe its assisting with keeping a clear headspace and with the meditations. In all my reading, I've come across a few natural additives I may need to avoid. These additives are commonly added to gluten-free products. Specifically, I think it might be xanthum gum, guar gum or locust been gum. Maybe carrageenan? When I did my grocery shopping this weekend I bought only items that were free of these 'gums'. It sure did limit even more of the things I can eat these days, but I am feeling hopeful that Im going to figure this out.  I need more good tummy days to go along with the good head days.

Now that Ive been practicing meditating for 20 days Im starting to look forward to the time spent! Can you believe it?! Im not staying that at some points during a solo 30 minute session that I feel like quitting and giving up, 'cause I really do. Its almost like at some points my whole body is fighting my mind, telling me to get up. Or my mind trying to tell me I have better things to do and this is a waste of time. But, these moments are being over shadowed by something amazing. I am finding some clear spaces in my mind. Sometimes these moments last a brief minute or two but a few times this week I actually lost myself in the mediation and the time just flew. I have been working on focusing on my breathing a lot but what I have found to be most helpful is saying the mantras that I have learned at the temple and the monastery. Now, at the risk of sounding crazy Im going to tell that you Ive seen things while meditating over the past few days. I've seen warm baths of purple and green color in circular shapes, I've seen the outlines of what appears to be a face and really close up visuals of beautiful eyes and eyelashes! Weird I know.... but Im being truthful. I have also consistently seen a tunnel shape and the sky moving past me. The cool thing about what Ive experienced is that I can nearly get myself to these spaces consciously if I am focused enough. There is a space where I am so still and calm that I can feel only my heart beating and hear only my breath. My heart beats starts to rock my body back and forth in a gentle vibration type motion and then I am there, in the clear and calm space. Its very cool. Im loving it and am dedicated to getting back there as often as possible.

I believe that due to the ability to find a few moments of peace each day, I am genuinely more chilled out. I am able to enjoy some silence. I have some sanity in my brain. I am continuing to slow down. My boss actually asked me last week if I was doing something different as I seemed more calm and cool over the past 2 weeks!! I continue to settle into this new groove and have found some new rituals in the morning to assist in ensuring I start the day with a centered mind. Little things like meditating before the gym, no aggressive music too early, keeping the light down low and burning a candle or incense seem to be a great way to ease me into the day.  I relish the early moments in the in the calm and quiet. I think its making all the difference for me right now.

For the upcoming days I plan to continue on this path of intention and self care. I know that in this hectic and manic world we live in, these centered and happy moments can be hard to find and even harder to hold on to. My goal is to remember how go through the dark spots and find a way back to the light.

<3