2 Weeks.

March 14, week two.

I am struggling today. To be honest, I struggled for some of the weekend and into yesterday.
I kept to my commitment of no drinking but I did eat a few things that are not aligned with the cleanse and I spent some money that was not accounted for in my budget. My stomach is really bothering me now, I pretty  much feel uncomfortable all day. I suppose thats the price to pay by not following the cleanse diligently. 

Its pretty crazy how hard I can be on myself. The negative tapes that play over and over in my head make me mental. Its been hard the past few days to dismiss the negativity and this in turn makes me grumpy and agitated. Im feeling super sensitive to sounds, everything little noise is enough to make me fly off the handle. People chewing, stomping feet, clicking signal lights... the list can go on forever. I cant find any music that doesn't eventually annoy the shit out of me but I cant enjoy the silence because of the non stop vicious circle of thoughts in my head. Its like torture.

I guess Ive slacked in the last few days on my mediation. There is no time!! The times I tried this weekend felt like a waste, as I could not focus. My thoughts were all over the place. I did a lot this weekend, maybe thats the problem? Am I still taking on too much? Its very likely, but  I want to make the most of my days away from the office. We went up to Canmore this weekend and it was gorgeous. We had massages and facials and walked around in the sun in town. We went to a nice place for dinner too. Sounds great, right? The problem is, I feel like I should have or could have enjoyed it more but my stupid head wouldn't leave me alone. I spent most of the time thinking about work and all the things in my life that I am unhappy about. Why is it so hard to focus on the positive? Its like my head feels safer and more comfortable in the anger, fear and darkness.

I went to the Buddhist Temple on Sunday for the service and it was nice. The Sensei spoke about seeing and thinking from a different perspective. Thinking about my current headspace, the message couldn't be more relevant. Easier said than done - but I'll keep trying. Its like I have to force myself to be grateful, to see the good in people, and live in the moment. Its exhausting. Then when I go down the spiral of negative thinking I really beat myself up over it. My thoughts tell me that Im wasting my time in all these efforts and I will likely not ever change. Ugh. So painful. At the end of the service we were asked if anyone could stay and help do some cleaning around the building. I wanted to stay and help but fear of having to talk to people made me leave instead. I felt really shitty about that later.  Im still struggling with anxiety in social settings, which is something I don't like about myself. How can I be so open and outgoing in some scenarios and act like a shy, nervous and awkward child at other time? Next time I will stay and help at the Temple. I think that making some connections there will be a good thing for me. Time to stretch myself in this area.

I think it is time for a reset. Week one, I was riding some kind of ignorant high. When I say ignorant I mean 'I don't know what I don't know'.  Kind of like the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. Something like that anyway.. Time to get real again and seek some balance.

Im going to get back to the basics.

No more cheating on the food. What I eat can either directly cause me physical pain/mental suffering or it can keep me healthy and clear. I want to have a clear mind and not feel sick. I will stick to the meal plans. I have some probiotics that will hopefully help with the digestive issues. Next step will have to be an elimination plan.

I MUST keep focused and diligent with the meditation practice. One of the books Im reading said that I really need to be making time in the morning. Ugh. Im going to wake up 15 minutes earlier and make the time before I go to the gym. I am also going to try setting up a specific place to sit and practice the meditation ritual in my place. Also, the guided meditations annoy me more than guide me at the moment. I need to try something different. Maybe some kind of nature sounds? Bells? Bowls?? LOL Oh god who knows. I'll try them all.

I simply have to stop spending money that is not allocated in the budget. Ive done very well with paying off my debt in the past 4 weeks. But, I did spend some cash this weekend that I shouldn't' have. Im feeling pretty guilty about it. I must remember everyday what Im saving for ! SUMMER TRAVEL!!

Outside of these items, Im still having some success.
I went to the gym 6 out of 7 days last week. The only reason I missed one day was because the meditation at the monastery went way later than I'm used to staying out these day.
Ive been spending more time reading my library books, less time on the phone/computer.
No booze! ( Funny how currently, this is the easiest part of the challenge . I'm so focused on healing my body and mind that not drinking is really a non-issue. BIG WIN. )
Going to bed early and waking up very early

I continue to find some improvements in SLOWING DOWN. I can feel myself getting flustered and feeling rushed and Im able to recognize it and consciously make an effort to adjust. Sometimes the relief comes. It doesn't stay for long, but I am working on it. At the very least, I am definitely becoming more mindful of it.

So, here we are at another jumping off point. Onwards and upwards!
<3